Facing the Beast

*sigh* In today's session with B I had to confess that although I was trying very hard to live in recovery I was sensing the 'monster' inside me welling up. I don't know exactly how to describe it but it seems more sinister than Ed. Maybe that's just cause Ed often tries to convince me he's out for my good ... where as this 'monster' doesn't try to hide his intentions. He wants to destroy me. I have known of him for a long time -- and have fought to keep him down. But these past couple of weeks he has been rearing his ugly head and threatening to engulf me.

Maybe he is the real Ed, no disguises. The masks are off and I see for an instant what Ed really is ... a monster. Not the friend he claims to be. Not an objective observer. But a monster. When I feel him I get a picture in my mind very much like that of the monster in the mountains on Lord of the Rings. The one that almost destroys Gandalf. I want to have Gandalf's staff and shout to it "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" ... but I find my voice is feeble against it. Or rather it HAS been feeble. B has challenged me to get rather violent in my speech when addressing this creature. She says he has no business in my life and I have every right to throw him out. I am going to need lots of prayer for this.

This monster is the embodiment of a belief I have carried deep in my heart for as long as I have concious memory. It is the belief that my body is disgusting and hideous. That the only right thing to do is to hate it. And not just my body, but all of me. My entire physical makeup is repulsive to me and, I assume, to everyone else. I think probably this came from the sexual abuse I endured as a child, teen, and young adult. But I don't know how to get rid of it. I have tried for years to convince myself its not true but always in the back of my mind a voice is hissing "You know it IS. You may fool some of 'them' but you'll never fool me and so you'll never be able to fully fool yourself."

So, I am asking for concerted prayer in regards to this for the next while as I tackle this monster belief head on. I don't feel ready for this battle but I know its one I can't shy away from any longer.

B says she is excited because 'body image' is kind of like 'the last stand' for Ed. I have gained much victory in the area of food and weight and he knows he cannot trip me up with those types of temptations and attacks as he once could. Now he is focusing all his energy on body image and if I can beat him on this front he will have no more ground to stand on. As I typed that sentence I got a cool little chill of excitement and wonder ... I can't even imagine what life without Ed would be like. Honestly its a bit scary. But I know its better than what I'm living now and I WANT it!

Drug Headache and Defeat

Today I was smothered in a cloak of fatigue and an acute 'drug headache'. On Monday I had run out of one of the drugs I'm supposed to take to augment my anti-depressants ... I was too busy and fatigued to get myself to the drugstore to renew my prescription. Also I was hoping to be able to just drop that particular pill as it has a few unpleasant side-affects. However, the headache that plagued me today as a result of stopping the drug so abruptly was intrusive enough to convince me to refill my meds and get back on track. I also wasn't doing so well emotionally or mentally (aside from the headache) so I guess maybe I'll just have to suffer with the side-affects a little longer.

My poor children. I only got out of bed at meal times today to make them a little something to eat. The rest of the time I just stayed in bed. Not a stellar 'mothering' day, I'm afraid.

I have such a hard time not beating myself up over days like this. Ed pounces right in there with all his 'helpful criticism' too. I feel very defeated. Not at all like one who is standing up under the armor and protection of God - my covenant partner.

Lost, Again

This morning I woke up feeling 'lost' and worthless. I had to ask Garron to pray for me before he left for work. It was a good thing, too, that my sister Sara stopped in for a visit cause I don't think I would've gotten out of bed if she hadn't. One of those days when there are things to do but no energy to do them because Ed was hounding me with all kinds of negativeness. I had come off of a pretty succcesful weekend Ed-wise. (considering I was in the presence of over 800 ladies .. always a dangerous place as Ed loves to goad me into comparing myself with other women) But this morning Ed was replaying my weekend in my mind and I putting a dark and negative tone over all of it. How could I have gone out in public dressed the way I was dressed? How could I hold my head up in such a crowd of women who obviously pay great attention to how they look and what they wear? I started feeling so unworthy of having been in their presence. And embarrassed to have been seen like I was. On the Sunday of the conference I had tried to 'dress up' and make myself look presentable .. but I felt like a fraud. I felt awkward and clumsy. Ed taunted me a bit there but I had my sisters around me and found for the most part just being with them gave me the strength to close my ears to him. However, now that I'm home and no one else is around he is trying to make me regret going out. Right now I am sitting on the couch feeling fat and smelly and ugly. The rest of the family is downstairs watching a movie together but I just don't want to be there. I want to end my day but am afraid to get up and get changed into my sleepwear because I'll have to face my naked body. I want to have a shower but again, I would have to come out of 'hiding' to do that. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being me. Everytime I get a glimpse of hope and think, "hey, I'm not that bad afterall. This is totally do-able." Ed chimes in with all kinds of belittleing comments and derogatory remarks. I am tired of fighting him but know I cannot give up.

Learning to Stand

I am beginning to use my armor! The armor of God that was given to me when I entered into covenant with Him. Its kind of amazing, the difference, when you apply even one or two pieces. This week has been one where I have been tempted again and again to withdraw into numbness(via bingeing etc) and isolation and disassociation. So much going on and a lot of emotions to deal with.

I am a highly sensitive person which, in part, means I am acutely aware of what others are feeling and have the ability to feel much of what they are feeling too. I am learning to accept this as a gift, one that forces me to my knees and insists I rely on God to not only handle 'their' situations but also sustain me through the extra burdens of feeling their pain. (does that make sense?)

Anyway, I have been putting on the belt of truth and the shield of faith daily this week and have found that even in the face of great temptation; I am able to 'stand'. And from my learning in the covenant bible study I have found a security in believing that with God as my partner that's all I really need to do ... stand ... and let Him fight the battles for me. Wear His armor and trust Him to take care of the rest. And even though it requires a lot of 'willing submission' on my part ... to trust this process, to trust my covenant partner ... it is proving to be a mighty, mighty combination.

Purse-uing Health

Well, I did it. I took my purse to ladies time today. And I used it at the bank when I went to withdraw money from the teller. I placed it right up on the teller's desk and tried to make it all seem quite natural. If people knew what was going on in my head, most of the time they would think I was nuts. But I know I'm not nuts ... just broken. And slowly God is transforming my broken-ness into beauty.

In study today we learned about the story of Jonathan's son Mephibosheth. Mephibosheth's father and grandfather (the king) had just been killed and because he was next in line for the throne his caretakers feared for his life. His nanny picked him up and ran away with him. As she ran in fear she fell and crippled the young boy. This changed the course of his life forever. He lived in Lo Debar -- a land that was barren and could produce no fruit. An outcast. I can't describe the whole story and all the little intricate details that stood out to me today ... but I was seeing myself so clearly in the character of Mephibosheth. Crippled as a youngster because I ran in fear - trying to protect myself. Completely unaware of my covenant partner (and I WAS in covenant with the Lord way back then). But I didn't understand the depth and meaning of all that came with that 'covenant'.

I am beginning to learn of it now. And it makes me weep in awe of what I have been given in this covenant and how faithful God is to this binding agreement. Even when I am not faithful, HE IS FAITHFUL. There are always consequences of my faithlessness. But God is true to his word and gracious to me in my weakness.

Purse Problems

Well, yesterday I bought my first ever purse. I'm a 37 year old woman, wife and mother. And this is truly my first purse. Its not by accident. I have never really felt "purse worthy". I have never felt feminine enough for accessories like that. Earrings and necklaces, bracelets and rings, scarves ... and purses. Things that belong to others ...but not to me. Oh, I HAVE many of these things. I see them, and fall in love with their fragile,feminine beauty but even though I have enough courage sometimes to buy them ,,, I rarely have enough to actually wear them. Ed laughs his head off when he sees me trying to accessorize as other women do. He laughs me right back into the bedroom to 'take the ridiculous things off' and pick up my backpack and wallet instead. Sometimes he'll let me get out of the house with a visor or a pair of sunglasses. But utilitarian ones, nothing fancy.

So yesterday I bought a purse, there was a very practical reason for it. I need it to keep my new cell phone safe ... it has a cute little pocket on the outside of it especially for my phone. (: But when I reached for it this afternoon to take it on our walk to the store I paused. Then instinctively (albeit with some nudging from Ed's mocking words) I put the purse down, retrieved the cell phone from it and placed it in the outside pocket of my backpack. A big pocket where the phone can rattle around and get jostled by the other things I throw in there. I went out for my walk around town with my black painting pants, my thread bare and sun damaged hoodie and my backpack. Just as you'd expect to find me. I felt like I faded right into the buildings that were surrounding me as I walked down the street. And for the moment that was what I believed I wanted to do. Certain that if people could see me they would turn away in disgust, or pity or amusement. I don't know how to be a woman. Ed has kept me in the dark about that. Kept me isolated from them and their hair/skin/wardrobe rituals. When I confessed to Garron all that Ed had been telling me today, he asked if I would please take my purse with me tomorrow. He told me I totally deserved to have a purse ... and so I'll try. As silly as it may seem to some, tomorrow will be a difficult day for me. But I'm hopeful it will end in even a small victory over Ed.

Slipping

Well, I'm still on the wall ... but I'm definitely slipping. I'm carrying some extra burdens in my heart right now and they are pushing me down. I am trying to fight, to shake them off but ... I feel very alone right now and weak.

Half Way Up the Wall

Something happened this week that made me think "maybe it would be best if I quit counselling. At least for awhile." But when I talked to B about it she said that I'm halfway up the wall (using a wall climbing analogy for recovery), and that if I stopped counselling now it would mean coming down off the wall and having to climb it all over again in the future. What a waste of energy, time and money. So, I guess I've got to finish what I started. I've got to see it through. God's gonna have to work some financial miracles ... but I trust He will. He was the one that convinced me it was time to do this in the first place.

So Tired

It was a beautiful day today. Blue skies, fall colors, a warm sun shining ... I should have been taking advantage of it. But instead I found myself sleeping. Sleeping on the couch in the morning as I tried to accomplish some laundry (does one load count as 'accomplishing'?) And then in the afternoon I moved to my bed where I slept again as Sol played on or around me before finally falling asleep himself.
Now I have a kitchen full of dishes and a husband on his way home from work and nothing out for supper.

This week I have been so fatigued. I'm tired of being tired. I'm weary of waking unrefreshed. I'm not sure I even remember what having energy feels like. My mom has babysat for me everyday this week ... and it was absolutely necessary! I wouldn't have made it through the days without her. When she took Sol I SLEPT. I know its hard to believe, and maybe some people are starting to think I'm just lazy ... but I have to keep reminding myself that B says walking this road to recovery is akin to dealing with the injuries I would have suffered if in a severe car accident. Sometimes I wish I HAD been in an accident so that it would be obvious to those around me why I am struggling so much or feeling so tired or weak or shaken. I feel I have to continually justify my need to pull back from visiting, or guard my down time or limit my involvement in things. I don't WANT to be in this place. But I AM. And I am doing all I can to move forward. This post is more to remind myself than any of you of anything. I feel Ed trying to bury me in guilt and shame. I can't let him do it.

Coincidence?

Way back in May when I started this particular journey, B told me it was gonna be very important to put on the armor of God. I agreed and purposed to get right on that when I got back from my session. However, as life would have it, I forgot, and delayed and found that MONTHS had gone by without really digging in and tackling that subject. I have known OF the armor of God my whole life ... but I realized this summer that I am not really all that familiar with it. I couldn't even recite the various pieces let alone how to use them in spiritual battle. Two weeks ago I told B that I had finally looked up the passage about the armor in the Bible, had drawn a picture of it, and was going to challenge myself to memorize the passage. Again, as life would have it, (or maybe its ED ... or satan ...) I delayed and forgot again. But on Tuesday morning this week I was sitting in Ladies' Time at church and God gently but firmly nudged me to stop putting off what He was asking me to do. The study we are working through is Kay Arthur's "Covenant". And apparently last week's homework was all about the armor of God!! Of course I hadn't done the homework, I hadn't even bought the homework book. But I think it would be a good idea if I did as it would dovetail so nicely with what I'm supposed to be doing in counselling. I should know by now that with God, there is no such things as 'coincidence'.

How Could This Have Happened?

Recently I have discovered something about myself. I used to think (I was totally convinced of it!) that Garron and I enjoyed sleeping on opposite sides of the bed ... that we really didn't like to snuggle or be touching while trying to sleep. But through my latest sessions with B I have discovered that this was a lie of Ed to keep me isolated at my most vulnerable time. I have been asking Garron to put his arm around me as we fall asleep and I can often drift off now without needing to do crosswords or respond when Ed hounds me to get out of bed and go stuff myself with food.

I'm amazed that Ed could convince me of this: he did it by saying stuff like: "Garron has had a busy day and needs to be left alone now." "You are a high maintenance wife and he needs to have some time when you are not around". "Stay on your side and let him sleep." "He has to get up early. And you don't really like snuggling anyway, you find it uncomfortable cuz you cant spread out as much."

Always then I would have difficulty falling asleep. I would hear Ed calling me to the kitchen and to food. I would hear him systematically tear down all that I'd tried to do that day. And since I was alone and felt I couldn't (shouldn't) ask Garron to help me since it was late I would give in to Ed in order to silence him and finally fall asleep.

I am getting so much more sleep now. I still have to do crosswords or sudoku some times but not nearly as much and if Garron is touching me (just touching me) I can ignore Ed's invitation (or order) to eat.

Who would've guessed?!

heart sick

I came to realize last night that I am heart sick about what is happening at our church and what it will mean for our future there. I am already grieving the loss of fellowship and connection. Ed tried to get me to numb myself with food so I wouldn't have to feel this pain ... and I desperately wanted not to feel. But I chose to embrace the hurt and let the tears come. They would eventually find their way out and so I decided to skip the shaming step of binging in between. In the book Hinds Feet the shepherd chose two companions to accompany Much Araid on her journey to the high places. They were Sorrow and Suffering. I am coming to see that He has chosen those same companions for me. Though it hurts to hold their hands, I need them if I am to reach the high places and be forever changed from Much Araid into Grace and Glory.

Long Time

Its been so long since I last posted ... there's too much to fill you in on. So I'll just start with where I'm at today.

I feel like I'm drifting - drifting through my days without a direction or purpose or any energy to change that.

Last night I had to call Garron while I was making supper cuz Ed was telling me to just go numb myself with some comfort food instead of waiting for the more healthy and balanced meal I was even then preparing. A lot of outside stressors have entered my life in the past two weeks. Our new international student arrived for one. That is always very stressful for me as I want to make them feel comfortable and 'at home' here. (but feel totally helpless and incapable of doing) Also, the state of our 'under renovations' home has me feeling awkward and unworthy of having anyone stay with us. Specially someone who clearly comes from 'money' and would otherwise never find themselves in such a humble state.

Another big stress is a confusing and concerning situation at church. One that has us wondering if we should be staying there. My spirit is heavy and questioning. I had felt a certain stability growing for our family at this church but this situation has definitely thrown us into a sea of doubt again.

Ed is so skilled at turning all these things into reasons to hate myself. Reasons to throw out 'recovery' and indulge in numbing and detachment practises.

I'm trying to stay on track. But I could really use some prayer right now.

los't again

I think its probably just the 'low' after the 'high' of Amanda's wedding this past weekend ... but I'm certainly down in the dumps again. Woke up today with a 'wondering' mind. Wondering if I'm on the right path, if I'm worth anybody's love, if I'm making any headway with Ed, wondering what God can do with me when I'm always sick or tired or depressed. After a phone call from Garron, in which he prayed over me, I realized I had the answers to most of those questions and just had to choose to Believe them. Easier said than done some days.

I have a skype session with B this afternoon. But I don't feel like talking. Don't really feel like talking to anyone. I suppose that is when I need to talk the most. Which is why I forced myself to post on here today. Yay for me, I'm taking baby steps forward.

Anyhow, there it is. Maybe I'll have more to say after my session.

Clarification

In reading over my last entry I realized it might seem like I'm saying I've never cried before. Or been messy. Not so. (oh my GOSH no) But I did NOT welcome it before. I beat myself up, condemned myself and felt shame over it. Now, accepting it and being grateful for it has changed the experience and the outcome so much.
I think the biggest part for me is trusting that God has designed this process ... that He is not disappointed in me for needing to go through it. That He is not disgusted with me for the mess I am in or the messy way I have to travel to get out of it.

There's a part in Hind's Feet On High Places that I has always moved me but that I have never really been able to accept as true for me: when Much Afraid is slogging it out on a particularly muddy section of mountain path. Even though its on the mountain it is flat, dark, wet and muddy. She doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere. She keeps falling and sliding backward. She mutters and despairs. I can't remember what her companions (Pain and Suffering I believe) are doing at that time ... but the Shepherd, Himself, comes to her. She fully expects to look up and see His disapproving face and hear him chide her for her messy state. Instead He is smiling and assures her that when He looks at her all He sees is the Much Afraid who has already reached the "High Places" and is healed and changed.

She's stunned. And quite frankly so am I. Somehow I could accept it for her. But only long for it for myself. Certain it couldn't possibly be true for me. This week I have been trying to live as if it is. Trying to trust that it is.

Messy but Moving

Something 'B' said in my last session has been resonating with me all week long. I have been yeilding to it and I think I am learning something very important.
She said "this is going to be messy".
That may not seem profound to you, but for me it WAS.

I started thinking back through my life ... and realized that I never like to 'be messy'. I like to do things right ... the first time! I want my 'teachers' to be proud of me. I want to really 'get it' without extra explanation.

In high school I distinctly remember loathing the prework required for essay writing. I didn't want to have to brainstorm and then summarize and then write one, two or even three drafts before handing in a final paper. I thought I should be able to write something intelligent and even profound without it. That if I didn't I was showing that I was somehow inferior, weak, unacceptable ... stupid. All that draft work was 'messy'. I wanted only to deal with the neatly typed 'final product'.

And I have been tackling THIS journey the same way. I want 'B' to give me the formula and then I want to go home and be able to write the final paper ... no drafts or 'rough work'.

I needed 'B' to give me permission to be messy. Actually, I needed more than permission. I needed to be told that's how it IS. You don't really have a choice, Amy. This is going to be messy. And that's ok. You are going to be messy. And that, too is ok.

Well, I've certainly been messy this week. I have broken down at least three times. Once in front of my kids. I have been trying desperately to shield them from what I am going through. And to some extent I think that is necessary ... children should not have to carry the burdens of their adult parents. But what I didn't realize was that they already were carrying a burden ... but I was making it worse by not telling them why I was so grumpy and frustrated at them, or why I was lying on the couch so much instead of playing games with or reading to them. Journey had been after me every night asking to do 'something specail' (like a sleep over or a 'girl bath' or watch a little movie) and every night I had said I couldn't. By that time in the day I am done. OVER done. And this time when I said no she said with tears falling down her cheeks, "when you say no to me so much it feels like you hate me with all of your heart". The mess that happened after that was ... beautiful. I crumpled into a pile of tears and Garron came and we had a wonderful time of explanation and prayer. All four of us. Garron talking and crying and praying, me crying and assuring the kids of my love for them, Journey listening and understanding, Solomon listening and caressing my arm in concern. It felt awful and wonderful all at the same time.

The next night during a movie I had to ask Garron to hold me - to physically keep me from responding to Ed's invitation to eat even though I was not hungry. Ed was so strong, but Garron was stronger. And I was able to tell Garron a whole slew of lies that Ed was throwing at me ... I sobbed at the shame of them. But again, I was able to look back and see the mess in a new light. Because I let myself cry and admit to the junk going on in my head I was able to live in recovery that night. I did not obey Ed. I trusted that the mess would be worth it. And it was.

The NEXT night I crashed again. Ed's voice is strongest in the evening. When I know Garron needs to head to bed and I will be left alone. Even though it was late and Ed was telling me I was a terrible wife for keeping Garron up, I fought to voice my fears and compulsions. The pressure I put on myself to take this journey without having it actually 'affect' my daily life is enormous. I think I should be able to carry on with everything as normal. Tend to the house, the meals, the clothes, the neighbors, the errands, the KIDS ... I feel like I am so terrible for having these issues because it is an inconvenience to everyone around me. Especially my husband and kids. Garron punched Ed in the face on that one. And I don't mind saying ... it was a messy business.

In the middle of it the thought hit me "I'm crying a lot these days. I'm crying and yet I'm winning against Ed at the same time. Being messy and yet finding that within the mess lies the key to recovery. I am not denying or repressing the voices in my head, the fears in my heart, the sensations in my body. I am allowing them to come ... no matter how ugly ... and I am finding in that the strength to disobey Ed. One disclaimer - if I were alone I don't think these crashes would be nearly so effective. But with Garron there holding me, keeping me physically on the bed or on the couch so I couldn't just run to the fridge, and praying over me and speaking truth against the lies ... it is do-able. Not pretty or neat .. but do-able.

I Think its getting Darker

In the Wizard of Oz the Scarecrow tells his friends that although he's not sure (after all he doesn't have a brain) he "thinks it has to get darker before it gets lighter".

That is where I seem to be right now. I thought things were pretty dark when, out of desperation, I started this journey toward freedom. Its much, much darker now. This past week has been one of persistent suicidal thoughts and unending tears. Before anyone panics I want to assure you that I have told 'B' and Garron and most of my family about all of this and have promised 'B' and my doctor that I will not follow through on the urge to end my life. We have altered my meds hoping that will be enough to get me past this crisis. I will be checking in with my doctor and 'B' once a week for the next month to be sure I don't slip through the cracks.

Going into my last session I was certain I didn't actually HAVE an eating disorder ... but that I was just lazy and undisciplined and stubborn. I want what I want and I don't want anyone to tell me I can't have it. I know what to do to be physically healthy and yet I JUST DON"T DO IT!! There's no Ed! Its just ME trying to find some other excuse for my pathetic life. I was ready to call it quits. Everything ... counselling, health, even life. It was all I could do to make it to my session that day without driving the car off the road or into oncoming traffic.

'B' read the official diagnosis/definition out of some big red book to prove to me that what I was thinking was NOT true. That it was another tactic of Ed to get me to let him stay. To convince me that he is not the problem ... I am. To convince me if I wanted to be free of the problem I'd have to be free of myself. 'B' told me that a cancer patient couldn't be cured of cancer if SHE WAS CANCER. That no one is born AS cancer. It is a physical 'disorder' that comes in. In the same way my eating disorder is not a part of me. I wasn't born with it. It is not just a personality flaw. It is a disordered way of thinking and seeing and feeling that CAME IN after a crisis in my childhood. I get confused and find it hard to see the distinction because I have had it for most of my life. I don't really remember life without it. 'B' said something that caught me ... she said I have probably never really known 'life' as a woman because Ed (captivity, shame, condemnation etc) has been with me since I was so young. I struggle to move toward freedom because I've never known it. I don't trust it yet.

It is so dark right now. But I left that meeting with a sliver of hope. Still not convinced of all 'B' said. But hopeful that if given time she could convince me.

Not Quite as Much as I Thought

I managed to weigh myself yesterday ... still 180. So camp wasn't so terrible for me as I imagined. Maybe getting sleep helped keep the pounds off. Ok, so if I'm in recovery (or supposed to be) I shouldn't be obsessing about my weight anyway ... but cleary I haven't grasped the whole recovery thing yet.

And how can I stay on track (taking proper care of my body) when I HATE it so much?!
I sabotage my recovery SO often and it seems the underlying voices that push me to that are telling me my body is not worth taking care of. It has betrayed me and is evil ... so why would I take CARE of it?! I don't seem to be able to convince myself that those voices are lying. "B" would tell me that any condemning voices are not from God as Romans clearly states "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ". Ok, but what about the fact that I'm sinning when I over eat, and when I trust Ed's voice over God's ... ? What do I DO with that?

Two Weeks ... another 10 lbs?

Well, I recently returned from two restful weeks out at River's Edge Family Camp. Hence, my lack of posting. The first week I was so tired and run down that I slept every chance I got. I basically woke up to eat and watch the kids at their activities. After supper we went straight back to bed. It was glorious. I didn't have to think about meals or food or cleaning our chaotic and dust-filled house... I just slept. I didn't even need my sleeping pills. I fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep! Now, the only problem with spending two weeks at camp is that you get fed LOTS and aren't required to DO anything physical. Though I had a bit more energy my second week out there ... it poured rain everyday and I didn't feel like walking in it. I stayed indoors doing puzzles, etc. But of course, I kept eating all the good food they served. So I think (I'll have to prove it later today when I find a scale) but I think I've gained another 10 lbs or so. I caught sight of myself the other night and noticed a lot more of me around my torso than has ever been there before. I was disgusted by it. The flab, the rolls, ... I feel gross.

I am slipping into despair. I don't believe it will ever change for me. On one hand I know I'm not living in recovery yet (moderate eating, moderate movement) ... but it seems to me that if I manage to get a handle on one of those things the other just goes crazy. And more to the point is I don't really seem to be able to ever get a handle on EITHER. I consistently over eat and am too tired to work it off. I try to stop over eating and can make it for a few hours (how pathetic ... a few HOURS!) ... but then something 'clicks' in my head and I binge.

Out at camp I mostly didn't feel anything - walked around numb. Ate, slept, ate, slept. But I was so tired I couldn't face 'dealing' with anything. I just needed REST. But now, after resting I am bigger than before and deeper in despair. Great.
Oh, and I'm back at home - surrounded by perpetual noise, dust, demolition, and chaos.

I listen to praise music in an effort to refocus my heart and mind. I feel like I'm slipping away. (or want to)
I don't want to complain. I know the last two weeks were an incredible blessing. A gift from God. I am deeply grateful that I got to be out there and be cared for. I don't know how to bring that into today ... to use it to help get me through NOW.

Early Morning, Softening Spirit

Unexpectedly, I had to drive Edgar to Edmonton to catch the train today. I was 'expecting' to have Amanda take him tonight but then he rechecked his ticket and found out it was for 7am today and not 7am tomorrow! So, we left at 3:15 am and made it in plenty of time. No deer, no nodding off behind the wheel. After dropping him at the train station I had the long ride home alone. Well, not exactly alone ... God reached out to me through the music I had playing. A little Bob Dylan to start and then a cd of a variety of Christian artists. One song in particular stood out. It is titled "Held" by Natalie Grant and the lyrics were as follows:

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no
sudden healing
to think that providence would
take a child from
his mother while she prays
is appalling

who told us we'd be rescued
what has changed
and why should we be saved
from the nightmares
we're asking why this happens
to us who have died to live
its unfair

**Chorus:
This is what it means to be held
how it feels
when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive
This is what it is to be loved
and to know
that the promise was when everthing fell
we'd be held

This hand is bitterness
we want to taste it
let the hatred numb our sorrow
the wise hand opens slowly to
lilies of the valley and
tomorrow

**chorus

if hope is born of suffering
if this is only the beginning
can we not wait for one hour
watching for our savior?

This is what it means to be held
how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive

This is what it is to be loved
and to know that the promise was
when everything fails
we'll be held

we'll be held

This is what it means to be loved and to know
that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held

This is what it means to be held.

The words and music washed over me and I felt the brackish edges of my wounded heart softening. I know I love my God. Not only inspite of what happened to me ... but someday even because of what He trusted me to walk with Him through. My willfulness is waning and I sense my spirit thawing ... if even just a little. I know the process is ongoing. But I know I wont give up on it.

thank you Dad,. You knew I needed to feel you today.

Thank You!

Before posting any more I just want to take a minute to thank each of you who read this. Thank you to those of you who pray and to those of you who send in comments and encouragement. I cannot express how much it all means to me and how often it is your comments and prayer that have been the only thing to keep me going. I am so low right now (though you may not know it to see me on the street) and when I read the comments you leave here, the verses, the poetry, the encouragement I am reduced to tears of humility and feel God's grace washing over me despite my mood, the questions with which I'm wrestling or the darkness I know I've let in.
You bless me!

Scared of Where it all Might Lead

For years now I have had a nagging thought creep in from time to time. One of ultimate forgiveness and acceptance with joy and peace. I am terrified that God is asking me to move with Him there. I know what Christ did on the cross and I read in scripture of His attitude and acceptance and forgiveness in the face of it. I have always tried to let myslef off the hook claiming it as 'a God thing'. That kind of forgiveness is not possible for the likes of me. That kind of humility and understanding and ACCEPTANCE of my place in comparison to God is surely only something He could achieve. But then a whisper comes to my soul's ear and says "My purpose is to conform you to the image of my Son. I intend to bring you HERE."

I'm honored by the invitation but am torn by what I know it will mean. I'm not sure I can let go of myself. I have so much invested. I don't know if I have what it takes to withstand the training. I'm a quitter. I can fight tough and all-out for a time ... but God's training, I know, will take much longer than I want it to. And I am afraid I will disappoint him. That I will feel like I am betraying myself and my family and friends if I adopt the attitude I think He is asking of me.

I am Much-Afraid. Crippled and weak and deformed. I want to be healed. But I know it will cost me everything. And that scares me. And even makes me a little angry. Haven't I been through enough?

break down / break through?

The night before last I had to wake Garron and have him hold me as I came 'undone'. I fell apart and was afraid to be alone with myself anymore. There were so many things going through my mind and weighing on my heart and Ed was telling me it was all too much ... just give up. I thought about taking my whole bottle of sleeping pills and just fading into heaven. It seemed like such a peaceful solution to all the struggling and striving and fighting. I don't really want to die ... I'm just desperate for rest. I don't want to cause more hurt in my going and I don't think I could/would ever bring myself to end it all ... but I do want to err on the side of caution, so Garron is now in possession and control of my pills.

It was one of those gutteral, snot-flying cries and lasted quite a while ... not a pretty sight (or sound). But one that had been brewing for awhile and needed to come out. One of the most precious things my Garron has done for me in our marriage is hold and pray over me when I am at my lowest. Though I might term it a 'bad night', "B" would tell me the opposite. She says she would rather have me feeling angry or sad then not feeling at all. At least this way I know I'm not numbing myself with Ed and pushing down what needs to be brought up and washed away. She would congratulate me on letting it come and seeing it through.

It is so powerful to voice things to a trusted friend. All the nagging, negative, condemning thoughts ... embarrassing as I thought they might sound ... I confessed that night to Garron. He has heard many of them before. And I was particularly frustrated because I thought I had dealt with, and moved past them. However, there they were ... again. So clearly I need to go deeper.

Telling the truth really does work to set one free. And since freedom is what I'm after ... I need to be totally honest about what is going on inside my head and heart. Even if I've been there a hundred times before and am embarrassed to be there again. I am definitely struggling with the 'why' of Ed in my life. I have been through much counselling for some of the traumas of my childhood and youth ... but this week it all came back. Why did God allow those traumas? Why so many times? Why with such deep levels of betrayal? Why didn't he step in afterward to help me deal with it in a healthy way? Why did He leave me feeling so alone and flawed? Why did He make promises in His word to be my tower and refuge and protector and then leave me to be molested? Why did He ask me to forgive? wait?
Praise Him? Why as I cried out to Him from my brokenness did my soul hear silence?

Why is it that the victim of sexual abuse feels dirty and flawed and evil? Why does the victim carry so much shame? What am I supposed to do now? What was I supposed to do then? How does He expect me to assimilate these parts of myself so that I can once again be whole? Who AM I? What is my purpose? Am I ok with that?

I can rationalize and 'answer' all of these questions in light of what I know from scripture ... but I cannot reconcile those answers with how broken and hopeless I feel inside right now. I have been here before and have not drowned ... I am sure I will not drown now. But I do have to sit under water for a time and let myself really experience the disappointment and betrayal and grief and pain. I have to expose these wounds to the water and let them be cleansed again ... on a deeper level than last time I guess.

Willful Weekend

Well, I just had an incredibly willful weekend. I was warned and I didn't listen. I felt angry and in my anger I gave myself things I should not have given. I indulged in self-pity. I refused to take the steps to turn my attitude around.

I am still in that place - but I know if I ever want to be healthy I will need to come out of it SOONER, rather than later. I am confessing my willfulness to you and have brought it also to my God.

But speaking of my God ... I have been feeling so distant from Him these last couple of weeks. I have felt a wall going up between us and I haven't taken the time to figure out why or what to do about it.

I feel a little cheated, I think. I am looking at things from only one perspective. Mine.
Have any of you read the allegory "The Horse And His Boy" by C.S. Lewis? In there when Aslan (a representation of Christ) comes and walks beside Shasta (when Shasta is lost in the mist) ... Shasta complains that he is the unluckiest person in the whole world. Aslan invites him to tell Him his sorrows. Which Shasta does. But then Aslan responds with some of the most devastating words ... he takes all the things Shasta has mentioned as being negative in his life and shows how He, Aslan, was behind them all. And how they were used to bring him to this very place at this very time for a bigger purpose.

While somewhat encouraging to know that Aslan was in control all the time I cannot dismiss the fact that He put Shasta through some terrible things. Alone. I know He was there all along but Shasta had no idea of that and so had no comfort or peace or understanding. No perspective.

That's how I feel right now. "B" says feelings cannot be trusted all the time. They cannot be what we base our decisions on ... but this weekend I realize that is exactly what I have been doing. Acting on how I feel ... not what I know to be true.

I don't want to admit it. I don't want it to have to be this way. I don't want to accept that God is allowing and even initiating some of these circumstances and leaving me without a 'sense' of His presence ... at least I have a 'knowledge' of it.
I don't want to feel like a pawn in God's chess game. I want the bigger picture and purpose to be all about me. Selfish, I know. But that's where I'm at today.

A Day of Rest

Speaking of needing more quiet time and rest ... Journey is in school today and Sara came and took Sol to her place to play with Ethan and Casendra. I have the whole house to myself (well, except for Edgar ... but he basically stays in his room and sleeps when he doesn't have school). I feel strange. I feel like I should call Sara and have her bring Sol back. I feel guilty.

I was gonna lay down and try to catch up on lost sleep but then I thought I should do the dishes first and get something ready for supper and do some laundry. Then maybe I would 'deserve' a rest.

I hate when I "should" all over myself!

However, I DID do the dishes and I DID put something in the crock pot for supper. But I think I'll leave the laundry where it is and go have my nap now. I have a good 3 hours before I have to pick Journey up from school ... thanks Sara. It takes me awhile to accept help but I know I need it and am so appreciative of your willingness to fight for me in this!

In Need of Margins

Well, 'B' says I am in need of some bigger margins in my life. I am living on the edge 'stress-wise' and need to create some breathing room. If I were a page and stress was depicted in words they would be filling the space and running off the edge of the paper. If I were water I would be at the 'just before boiling' point all the time ... it doesn't take much heat at all to start me really bubbling! I totally see this - little things that the kids do exasperate me when I should probably just be smiling about 'em. Mole hills feel like mountains. Just getting up in the morning takes all my energy for the day and I am left 'spent' before getting anything accomplished.

SO:

'B' gave me some relaxing exercises to do: Its called
"self-soothing with the senses". When I feel things are getting a bit too much (and I must be paying attention and catch the signs early!!) I need to stop and 'check in' with myself. Take a quick look at what is happening around me and in me and acknowledge it. I need to guage my stress level out of 10. Then I need to pick a sense and focus on it for 5 minutes. So, if I pick hearing it would look like this:
close my eyes and focus on what I can hear. Pick out all the individual sounds and talk to myself about them. Right now I can hear the keys clicking as I type these words. Its very rythmic. I hear a fan blowing in Journey's room and plastic flapping occasionally as the wind from the fan hits it. Etc. If I pick sight it might look like this: There is a floor lamp in the corner, it has a dark stand and a burgandy shade. It stands out against the gray of the drywall behind it. There is a white window beside the lamp and I can see a brown cardboard box through it. I see green trees and the stone base of our neighbors house. I see white curtains with frilly lace edging. I see a blue Jeldwen sticker on the window that is peeling off in one corner. I see the tvek wrap by the edge of the window - it is yellow with an orange trim. Etc, etc. This may seem silly but it actually works! 'B' says it works because it forces me to use the other side of my brain. The side that thinks and stresses about things is left behind. I cannot operate out of both sides at once. I can bounce back and forth quickly but the more intentional and thorough I am with the exercise the easier it will become to stay in the 'good' side. The peaceful side. After about 5 minutes of this I check back in with where my stress is at on a scale of 1 to 10. If it is low enough for me to move on with my day great! But if it could stand to be lower I just do the exercise again.
Maybe picking a new sense.

This will help me calm down when I feel I'm about to fall off the edge of the page. But in order to not get so close to the edge in the first place I have to make some more changes in my schedule. I will have to be very intentional about getting rest when I need it (before I 'Feel' I need it!). I will have to make sure I am not over booking myself and be firm with those boundaries. 'B' says I have to put my recovery first right now in order to gain traction and really 'kick this thing'. She says this stage of recovery is very stressful and takes a lot of energy and I need to limit the other activities and stresses in my life if I want to be succesfull.

So if I don't answer the phone or come to the door (even though you know I'm home cause you can see my car or hear the kids playing), or if you don't see me in church or I pass on an invitation to come over ... please don't take it personally. I AM avoiding you (: but not cause I don't like you or WANT to see you. Its just that it would be more helpful to my recovery to retreat and rest at this time.
Of course I still love hearing encouraging messages on my phone or reading them on the blog or in email/facebook. Its not that you can't reach out at all. Its just that those methods are ones that I will be able to digest safely right now. I thank you all in advance for your patience and understanding.

Cereal's In The House

Ok, today I went and bought some more cold cereal. It hasn't been in the house for a week or so and I've missed it so much. Sometimes its nice to have something on hand that Journey can get in the morning without needing my help! However, it IS a weakness of mine. Ed uses it to lure me out of recovery ... so I am telling you all that I have it and need prayer to keep it in its proper place. Just like chocolate, cereal is not bad ... just the attitude I have when I eat it. And how MUCH I eat at a time or in a day. So, here's to one bowl a day tops and only if I am physically hungry (no emotional eating or binges).

A Surprise Sun Day!

Well I woke up this morning with a bit of dread in my heart. I was afraid to look out the window because the weather forcast had predicted rain ... again. However, as I peered out my back door I saw not rain and clouds and gray - but sun and clear blue skies. Hooray!

The weather is one of Ed's favorite weapons against me. As soon as he sees a gray day he bombards me with negative, condemning thoughts. He likes to use words like pathetic, useless, worthless, shame, fat, ugly, disgusting, lazy, stupid ... as if the rain had anything to do with me being any of these things ... ?!?!?! But usually I accept them as being connected and spiral down into a dark and lonely place.

Today it is easy to laugh at Ed's attempts to bring me down - its sunny afterall. My vision is clear. But tomorrow -- if its raining -- I must remind myself to look to the Son-light for this clarity and not let Ed convince me of things I know to be totally unrelated and untrue.

Skor Bar ... oh the sweet taste of victory

Today I have a skor bar to look forward to. Oh, I had it yesterday ... bought it after finding out my weight. Wanted to eat it out of spite. But I didn't. I chose an attitude of willingness and let my skor bar stay in my pocket. Today I will eat it in peace for my morning snack ... with a cup of tea. Its not that chocolate is evil, not that I can never have it. I just need to wait for the right attitude and time. Wahoo! I have done that this time!!!!

Willfulness

Oh, I mentioned willfulness in that last post and I wanted to write about that for a moment. "B" told me a few weeks ago that I needed to watch out for apathy. The attitude of not caring anymore about my recovery or health, because apathy quickly turns into willfulness which leads me to think things like:

~ who cares if binging isn't good for me. it makes me feel good for a few moments and I deserve to feel good for a change

~ I'm too tired to do this anymore, screw it. I'm gonna do what I want.

~ This is too hard. I can't do this. I WON'T do this.

And stuff like that.

Its so funny cause the week after she warned me of those thoughts creeping in they TOTALLY DID! And cause she had warned me I caught on to them and was able to change my mind from apathetic and willful to 'will-ING'. Willing to submit to recovery, to submit to health, and even to submit to God. To trust that His way of doing things (even in recovery) is best. And His way holds true satisfaction for me...not the empty, momentary satisfaction of a binge or a purge.

So, anyway. This has been a real key for me. I am surprised to find how easy it is for me to walk away from a temptation to binge when I identiy this attitude creeping in and label as dangerous. I wish I could explain this better but I am finding it difficult to put into words (maybe the fact that its 3 a.m. has something to do with that, hee hee)

My question for myself when I come up against this attitude is "how can I change this willfulness into willingness?" Try it! (:

3:00 A.M. ... Really?!

So its 3 a.m. and I'm wide awake and thinking about Ed. Actually I am thinking about the proof I got today about the weight I've been gaining. Yes, I know I said I don't have a scale ... but my sister does. And while at her house today I snuck a quick peak - It registered me at just over 180 lbs. Two months ago I was just over 170. That's 10 pounds! Rather substantial. I walked out of her bathroom a bit shocked. I knew I had gained but I had hoped it wasn't THAT bad. Here's where putting that "Radical Acceptance" into practise kicks in. It must be working cause I haven't freaked out yet. I've had all day to ponder it and whenever Ed whispers in my ear I remind myself that "Yes, I have gained weight. A lot of it. That is my reality right now. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (pregnancies aside). But I must stay in recovery if I want to change it. Binging certainly isn't going to help (yeah, it would numb me for a few moments -- but then I would feel even worse about myself) and purging never gives me what I hope for. Only a temporary illusion of what I hope for. And not only does it not accomplish what I want - it does damage to my body internally that I may not be able to repair. So, do I want to binge and purge or do I want to live in recovery ... gradually achieving health and wholeness?

"I choose recovery." My teeth are gritted as I type this. It is on one hand an easy choice. Obvious. A no-brainer. But Ed is screaming now. He doesn't back off so easily. I have to remember not to engage him in conversation. Repeat my 'mantra' and close the door on him. No matter how often he comes at me tonight, tomorrow, the next day ... I just have to adopt the broken record "Radical Acceptance" response as my ONLY response. No bargaining, no apapthy, no willfulness.

Rainy Days and Radical Acceptance

I have been fatigued lately ... not getting to sleep, not staying asleep, waking up REALLY early ... missing my naps. Just not good. And then there's the weather. Seems silly but I am SO brought down by the gray skies and drizzle. If there were thunder and lightning I think I'd be a BIT invigorated by it ... but this droning drizzle is so draining. (note the alliteration (: not bad for first thing in the morning)

Last week my counsellor (whom I will hereby refer to as "B") told me about Radical Acceptance. I may hate my body and its size/shape but I have to choose to accept it as MY reality FOR NOW. I cannot stay in a place of wishing it away ... that's when Ed can lure me into his twisted 'solutions'. But if I can acknowledge my disgust with myself, THEN choose to accept it FOR NOW I will be able to stay in recovery ... trusting recovery to bring about the desired changes and freedom.

Guess I should practise this attitude with the rain too, eh?

Darkness and Lies

Oh man, last week was a DARK week. I didn't post cause honestly I just didn't want to speak to anyone, hear from anyone, do anything or go anywhere. I wanted to hide! Or, to be more accurate ... Ed wanted me to hide. He had me convinced that I was gaining weight every hour of every day and that it was never gonna stop. I was panicking. I swear everytime I moved I saw a new roll, a new dimple, new inch ... I tried to avoid seeing myself but even when I closed my eyes I could 'FEEL' the pounds attaching themselves to me.

Now, I can't actually prove or disprove any weight gain ... I don't have a scale in my home. I had to get rid of that years ago. It was like it held me on a retractable leash. I'd weigh myself, have a cup of tea and then go back and weigh myself again. Or I'd answer the phone and after hanging up I would feel the tug to go and 'just be sure' I was still where I was before the call. Crazy. Every ounce would either destroy me (if I'd gained it) or elate me (if I'd lost it). OUNCE people!! So now I cannot let myself have a scale around. Ed is too skilled at using it to keep me 'obsessing'.

But even without the proof, Ed definitely had me convinced last week that I was becoming obese literally overnight. AND he convinced me that if any of you (or anyone else for that matter) saw me they would be horrified and filled with pity. That I would be the laughing stock of Three Hills if I even dared to go and get the mail. I considered letting Journey stay home from school to avoid seeing the other moms but I knew I needed to keep her schedule as normal as possible - so she could have some time away from my darkened mood.

I am happy to say that a session with my counsellor on Thursday gave me some much needed perspective. I feel I can again start moving forward in recovery, where as last week I felt for sure I would have to give up (if only for a time) and let myself purge for a few days to get 'back on track' weight-wise.

Thank you to those who have been praying. I will endeavor to do better at posting even in my 'wanting to withdraw' times - as my counsellor says it is Ed's secret plan to keep me isolated and vulnerable; and I cannot let him win!

Living in recovery means moderate eating and moderate movement. It means being free from Ed's controlling voice in my head and the fears and obsessions that surround food now.

If I live in recovery (the moderate eating, moderate movement part) my counsellor ASSURES me it is impossible to keep gaining weight. She says that the body wants to be healthy and if I live in recovery mode it will eventually sort itself out, find its healthy weight and STAY there. But if I binge or purge or under or over exercise it will get confused and stop working properly...and most likely hold on to pounds longer than necessary ... unsure of when I will try to starve it next (or over load its systems with too much food)

Adding Another Weapon to the Arsenal

Well, this morning I tried something new ... Yoga. My good friend Celeste invited me over promising it would relieve some stress and bring health to my body. I must admit I was skeptical. More than being skeptical though, I was just not wanting to be around people right now. Wanna hide in my house and forget about the outside world. But Celeste gently encouraged me to come and try it and I did. And I was pleasantly surprised! It felt really good to move and breathe with intention and to actually RELAX. She has let me borrow the dvd we worked from so that I can do more at home. Thanks my friend! I so appreciate your care, your willingness to be present in my life even though I'm prickly right now and your willingness to also give me some space. I love ya lots!

Just Surviving

My counsellor says that right now I need to lower my expectations of myself ... I need to make my goal 'surviving' and not worry about how good of a mother I am being or how attentive a wife -- I need to wake up in the morning with a goal to just make it through the day ... if I do that then I've succeeded and should celebrate. I'm still alive and about to head to bed so I guess that means today was a success. Maybe not a glorious one, but one I need to celebrate anyway. So, three cheers for me. Even though mostly I feel like crying and pulling out my hair strand by strand I will choose to tell myself that I did good today. If fact, I think I'll go and write that a hundred times while lying in bed. Maybe then I will start to believe it.

Multiple Post Day

Looks like today may be one of those days where I'll need to post often to keep Ed at bay. He is loud and obnoxious this morning ... trying to punish me for disobeying last night. Wants to make sure I don't fight him so much next time.
Wants to reel me back in and remind me how much I need his guidance and protection and 'comfort'. Even my yoga pants are rolling down at the waist line cause my belly is getting so big ... If I could walk around all day in a long t-shirt and undies I think I would actually be MORE comfortable than wearing these pants and knowing I am growing even too big for THEM, stretchy as they are.

I'm irritated and jumpy inside. Just want to climb back in bed and pretend I don't exist. Problem is I DO exist and am growing daily (or so it seems). My counsellor says that Ed and my Body Dismorphic Disorder don't allow me to see myself accurately. That it is as if I am looking at my body through fun house mirrors. And while I believe that to be somewhat true ... I can't seem to find a way around the fact that my clothes really are getting tighter ... I don't have to LOOK at anything to know that. Could the BD disorder make me FEEL things inaccurately?

Garron just called to ask if he could pray for me. I broke into tears at the sound of his voice and his offer. It was perfect timing. I am in awe of our God and how much he cares for one such as I.

Deep breath. Gotta go make the kids their morning snack.

I'm sure I'll be back later.

The Morning After

Some of you may be pleased to hear that I did in fact share an intimate time with my husband last night and I did NOT even binge afterward. While I do recognize the victory in these two things I am also keenly aware of the battle that went on in my head/heart to accomplish it ... a battle that happens almost every time and one that leaves me wounded and worn out.

Just cause I determine not to listen to Ed's advice in such a situation doesn't mean he then admits defeat and retreats ... much to the contrary. He fights harder - - does all that he can to make me regret my decision to disobey. Berates and belittles me, throws stones and twists the truth.

When I went in to the room last night after typing here I knew I had to let Garron know what Ed was saying ... and the fear I was feeling. I lay on the bed beside him, my face hidden, silent. Its so embarrassing to have to voice these things to the one you love ... it seems so small and even crazy to talk about Ed and how much influence he has. I feel like a jerk. My husband is wanting to be close and I am listening to a voice in my head named Ed who is telling me to trade intimacy with my husband for a bowl of cereal ... and he makes it seem so right!?@?@

"Um, thanks for the invitation Garron but Ed says I can't tonight, or maybe ever. Just too fat, you know. Gotta go eat some more and make it worse. But I appreciate the thought ... hope you can find some satisfaction in that. Happy tenth year of marriage!"

Yeah, not cool. While you are praying for me and my recovery I would ask that you also pray for my husband. He is an incredible partner in this - so patient and understanding. So willing to believe what I tell him I'm dealing with and enter into recovery even when it may seem a bit insane.

When I did finally find my voice and tell him that although I, Amy, wanted to be with him, Ed was screaming at me not to, Garron reminded me that Ed is a liar and out to destroy me. He reminded me that Ed wants to keep me isolated cause he knows that is when I am most vulnerable.

**Aside** Journey has been singing songs from Beauty and the Beast this morning and just now she yelled out "I say we KILL THE BEAST". Kinda ironic, eh? That's exactly what Garron would like to do with Ed. (:

So anyway, as I lay there contemplating letting Garron hold me naked I could feel the familiar gagging sensation rising in my throat...not a 'thowing up' kinda gag but the kind of throat-level wretching gag I get when I think about how disgusting my body is and how trapped I feel in it and how hopeless it seems to be able to change it. The thought of exposing myself to someone, while Ed's got me in this place mentally, literally makes me gag.

So Garron prayed over me. And really, at that point there's nothing else that could be done. I am constantly amazed and grateful for prayer and the calming effect it has on me. I am convinced it is what is going to allow me victory in this and all areas of my wounded life. The more he prayed the calmer I got and by the end I was able to face an attempt at undressing. Indeed as the beginning of this post relayed I WAS able to be intimate with Garron. No, my Ed didn't stop talking throughout the whole process and I found I had to focus on the sound of the radio playing in the background in order to stay 'present'...but I did it. I am anxious for the day when sex will just be between Garron and I and Ed is finally out of the picture ... but until then I know I have to push through and fight for these times of intimacy and 'connectedness'.

Thank you Garron for being so gracious. I know you would kill ed with your bare hands if you could ... and as I type this I realize that actually, in a way you ARE! You destroy a bit of Ed each time you choose to caress me and hold me close despite my best efforts to convince you I'm unloveable and unworthy. Thank you for not taking this personally but for understanding that it is Ed that wants me to hide from you and not myself.

Torn

Its Sunday night and we were just playing a game with the kids before putting them to bed when Garron quietly mentioned to me that he would be wanting to snuggle later ... "wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no mo-wa!"

And from that moment on I couldn't concentrate ... I was instantly fearful and on-edge. Part of me wants to be intimate with Garron for sure! But Ed is screaming in my ear "Danger! Danger!" Ed has been on my case all day about how big I've been getting...how none of my clothes fit like they used to and how some don't even fit at ALL. He's convinced me that I will only be comfy in my yoga pants and to not even try to put on any thing else. I actually went to church in my yoga pants and runners (looked like I should have been going out for a jog) ... since I was gonna be downstairs teaching Children's Church I figured I could 'get away with it'.

Anyway, I know Garron is in the bedroom waiting for me and I don't want to disappoint him or put him off but I'm just not sure how to get myself in the 'mood' when I feel so huge and disgusting. I don't want to see MYSELF naked let alone have someone else not only 'seeing' me but touching me too! Ed's telling me to go eat something and I'm so tempted! But I know I'll just feel twice as bad afterwards and that will only make this whole matter worse. When I put that argument to him (Ed) he tells me to go 'get things over with' with Garron and then come back and binge with HIM. That he will numb my fear and any shame I feel after letting Garron get so close.

I hate this cause I know I want and need intimacy and I know my husband does too. I don't want Ed to get in the way here but he always does. I want to be able to let myself go in these times and enjoy being loved by my man ... I want to feel bold and comfortable giving myself to him ... Ed says it will never happen. I hope that this is just another one of his lies.

TGIF

Thank God its Friday! Garron will be home more for the next two days and that is SOOOO good. When he is gone and I am left alone to deal with the kids all day it can get ... overwhelming. Journey asked me today ... "mom, how come you had a nap and are STILL grumpy?" The fact that she kept interrupting my nap with questions about whether or not she could watch another movie, have another snack, or call and invite Ethan over didn't seem to mean anything to her. And the fact that I had Sol and Casendra on either side of me talking and playing with each other over top of me shouldn't have been a problem either.

All I can say is I'm glad I'll have a present partner for the next two days.

And I'm awful glad I have my sisters and girl-friends here in town to fill in the gap when Garron's gone!!! I'd be in the grave without you all. THANK YOU for your help!!!

Long Drives Make Me Happy

I got to my session today with a song in my heart! Now, maybe "Shut Up" by the Black-Eyed Peas isn't what you were imagining me singing but it DOES kinda fit with what I want to say to Ed through these sessions. (:

The two and a half hour drive up is proving to be a vital part of my recovery. It gives me much needed time and space to myself, a chance to listen to the music that feeds my soul, a chance to clear my head of all the questions, demands, laundry, dishes etc, and a chance to prepare mentally for the counselling session ahead.

Its good to take stock of where I'm at and how I'm doing. I came out of my session encouraged that I am on the right track. I now need to read "The Search For Significance" by McGee ... anyone got a copy they'd like to lend me?

Confession is Good for the Soul

Ok, today I went to the store and bought two bags of cereal. I've already had 3 bowls and its only been in the house for 5 hours. I don't know why it is so tempting. It calls to me from the store (I know that may sound crazy but I swear to you its true) and it calls to me from my cupboard. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a trance ... being pulled to it like a magnet to metal. And it only releases me once I've eaten it.

But when the cereal stops talking Ed jumps in. He is talking to me now. Just letting me know what a disgrace I am ... trying to tell me that if you guys knew I had eaten three bowls of cereal this evening you would no longer want to associate with me (did I mention that I also had a full supper of chicken, potatoes and salad?) So, I'm writing to you to prove him wrong. When Ed is not whispering in my ear I know that you will love and support me no matter what. So, I'm telling all my secrets (not all at once of course ... that might kill me) to prove Ed a liar.

Well, good morning to you too, Ed.

You're useless. You're flabby and dimpled and the skin on your back folds into itself when you roll over in bed. Who could like that? Who would ever find that attractive? How about you don't eat today ... just get up and have your shower and then start doing stuff so you don't think about missing breakfast. Ooooor, since you're too pathetic and lack the necessary will power to starve yourself why don't you eat a BIG breakfast instead. Make some hot cereal to start, then have some toast, a few eggs (isn't there bacon in the freezer?) after that you can have some yogurt, a fruity drink and some of that giant chocolate bar on the fridge. Yeah, do THAT! A binge suits your shape more than starving does. You're not worth starving ...

These are the crazy contradictory messages Ed gives me. Starve yourself, gorge yourself, starve yourself, no ... gorge yourself. So, today Ed wants me to focus on all the parts of me that are bigger than they should (could) be ... and eat in an unhealthy way. To be in recovery I will need to put positive messages into my brain and choose to eat proper meals, at proper times. I will need to listen to my body and respect it when it says its full. (or hungry)

What a Difference A Call Can Make

Hey, its 5:59 and I haven't binged yet! Garron will be home in the next five minutes ... I just might make it. I did call him and after that I called my mom, too. Both gave me some much needed perspective and distraction. Now I've got the kids watching a video while I make supper. I didn't think I'd be able to face making supper tonight but I'm doing it. And I'm ok.

After School Madness

As I'm writing these words my son is crying in his bedroom, my daughter is crying in her bedroom and my neice Casendra is crying on the front porch. Ed's voice, which has been quiet most of the day, is now getting louder and louder as he tries to drown out the sound of the chaos around me. Chaos drives me to Ed. Children crying drives me to Ed.

Wanting to make the end of the school day as pleasant as possible I took the kids to the store to get them an ice cream. While in the store Journey had a meltdown because she couldn't decide which one she wanted most. It was the kind of meltdown that is totally irrational and uncontrollable and one of my biggest Ed triggers. After getting home I sent the kids outside to finish their popcicles which ended in screaming as Sol saw a wasp, Casendra got angry at Sol for trying to come in side and Journey had a second meltdown because the screams of the other two grated on her nerves. Its these kinds of happenings that drive me to binge. I feel like screaming myself, (but know I can't or I'd terrify the kids) I do what I can to diffuse the situation but even after I get things calmed down I'm still in a mini state of shock on the inside and feel so unstable. Ed tells me that binging will quiet things down on the inside and bring some much needed peace. He tells me that if I just go and gorge myself on cereal or chocolate (my two favorite binge foods) I will be able to handle whatever is going on around me ... or better yet is when he tells me that binging will actually transport me OUT of what is going on around me. To a safe and happy place. Since this is my most urgent desire I almost always give in.

Today, I am typing it all out in an attempt to disobey Ed, in hopes that the more I type the more I'll calm down on my own. Journey is still crying in her room, though, so I don't think this is gonna work. Maybe if everyone else around me is calm I would be able to calm myself d;adisojg ='9o=ulkreauv'jxlkcgmn AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Sorry, I am getting really angry right now. I feel like a binge is inevitable cause Journey just WONT STOP! These are the moments that make me feel like such a failure as a parent. Like such a failure as a person! I was doing so well today too. I was living today in recovery. HAHHHHHHHH! I want to scream at her to stop. Its so frustrating. I'd better go make a call. I think this isn't gonna get better just by typing. Garron's gonna have to talk me through.

Three's A Crowd

I rolled over in bed this morning and there, lying between me and my Garron was, yes, you guessed it ... Ed. He told me to keep my distance from Garron ... warned me that if I let Garron touch me he would discover how much I'd gained and would be not only alarmed, but disgusted. Though it took all my power I am pleased to announce that I decided to punch Ed right in the face ... and snuggled up close to my REAL sweetheart. Fear remained, and I had to battle to stay in Garron's embrace, but I DID it. And much to my comfort, he didn't seem disgusted by my presence at all.

Ed wants to keep a physical distance between me and Garron so today, in order to be in recovery, I need to tell Garron that I will need lots of hugs and cuddles.

What does he want today?

Every day Ed wakes me with a list of expectations, comments and demands. And my homework this week is to start each day by identifying those messages. To start by recognizing that they are from ED and not to be trusted.

Today he wanted me to focus on how uncomfortable I was in my clothes. He drew my attention to all the places my clothes felt a bit tight, rubbed against my skin or seemed to restrict my movement in any way. Yeah, I know, in order to be dressed you're gonna have to feel SOMEthing ... but Ed tries to convince me that skinny people DON'T! That somehow their clothes hover a few mm's away from their skin at all times. That the feel of denim is strangely like silk to them. That because my jeans feel rough on my skin that makes me less (or MORE) of a person. He tells me that because I can feel the waistline of my pants I am somehow flawed and ugly.

His second message to me today was to look in the mirror, find all the areas that look lumpy, or dimpled or just plain fat and try to literally scratch them off. Thankfully I didn't have time to do this cause Journey and Sol came into my room and jumped on my bed wanting to snuggle.

The second part of my homework is to determine what I need to do to be in recovery. So for today I know I need to wear loose clothes so as to limit Ed's weaponry against me ... and I need to make a concerted effort to stay away from the mirror!!!