It was a beautiful day today. Blue skies, fall colors, a warm sun shining ... I should have been taking advantage of it. But instead I found myself sleeping. Sleeping on the couch in the morning as I tried to accomplish some laundry (does one load count as 'accomplishing'?) And then in the afternoon I moved to my bed where I slept again as Sol played on or around me before finally falling asleep himself.
Now I have a kitchen full of dishes and a husband on his way home from work and nothing out for supper.
This week I have been so fatigued. I'm tired of being tired. I'm weary of waking unrefreshed. I'm not sure I even remember what having energy feels like. My mom has babysat for me everyday this week ... and it was absolutely necessary! I wouldn't have made it through the days without her. When she took Sol I SLEPT. I know its hard to believe, and maybe some people are starting to think I'm just lazy ... but I have to keep reminding myself that B says walking this road to recovery is akin to dealing with the injuries I would have suffered if in a severe car accident. Sometimes I wish I HAD been in an accident so that it would be obvious to those around me why I am struggling so much or feeling so tired or weak or shaken. I feel I have to continually justify my need to pull back from visiting, or guard my down time or limit my involvement in things. I don't WANT to be in this place. But I AM. And I am doing all I can to move forward. This post is more to remind myself than any of you of anything. I feel Ed trying to bury me in guilt and shame. I can't let him do it.
I've been living with "Ed" (Eating Disorder) for over 23 years and am desperate for freedom. Though somewhat helpful in the beginning he has since turned into a tyrant and someone I no longer wish to have around. I am making my journey public in hopes that by speaking of my own trials and triumphs I'll be an encouragment to someone else struggling with an "Ed" in their life.
No comments:
Post a Comment