break down / break through?

The night before last I had to wake Garron and have him hold me as I came 'undone'. I fell apart and was afraid to be alone with myself anymore. There were so many things going through my mind and weighing on my heart and Ed was telling me it was all too much ... just give up. I thought about taking my whole bottle of sleeping pills and just fading into heaven. It seemed like such a peaceful solution to all the struggling and striving and fighting. I don't really want to die ... I'm just desperate for rest. I don't want to cause more hurt in my going and I don't think I could/would ever bring myself to end it all ... but I do want to err on the side of caution, so Garron is now in possession and control of my pills.

It was one of those gutteral, snot-flying cries and lasted quite a while ... not a pretty sight (or sound). But one that had been brewing for awhile and needed to come out. One of the most precious things my Garron has done for me in our marriage is hold and pray over me when I am at my lowest. Though I might term it a 'bad night', "B" would tell me the opposite. She says she would rather have me feeling angry or sad then not feeling at all. At least this way I know I'm not numbing myself with Ed and pushing down what needs to be brought up and washed away. She would congratulate me on letting it come and seeing it through.

It is so powerful to voice things to a trusted friend. All the nagging, negative, condemning thoughts ... embarrassing as I thought they might sound ... I confessed that night to Garron. He has heard many of them before. And I was particularly frustrated because I thought I had dealt with, and moved past them. However, there they were ... again. So clearly I need to go deeper.

Telling the truth really does work to set one free. And since freedom is what I'm after ... I need to be totally honest about what is going on inside my head and heart. Even if I've been there a hundred times before and am embarrassed to be there again. I am definitely struggling with the 'why' of Ed in my life. I have been through much counselling for some of the traumas of my childhood and youth ... but this week it all came back. Why did God allow those traumas? Why so many times? Why with such deep levels of betrayal? Why didn't he step in afterward to help me deal with it in a healthy way? Why did He leave me feeling so alone and flawed? Why did He make promises in His word to be my tower and refuge and protector and then leave me to be molested? Why did He ask me to forgive? wait?
Praise Him? Why as I cried out to Him from my brokenness did my soul hear silence?

Why is it that the victim of sexual abuse feels dirty and flawed and evil? Why does the victim carry so much shame? What am I supposed to do now? What was I supposed to do then? How does He expect me to assimilate these parts of myself so that I can once again be whole? Who AM I? What is my purpose? Am I ok with that?

I can rationalize and 'answer' all of these questions in light of what I know from scripture ... but I cannot reconcile those answers with how broken and hopeless I feel inside right now. I have been here before and have not drowned ... I am sure I will not drown now. But I do have to sit under water for a time and let myself really experience the disappointment and betrayal and grief and pain. I have to expose these wounds to the water and let them be cleansed again ... on a deeper level than last time I guess.