The Morning After

Some of you may be pleased to hear that I did in fact share an intimate time with my husband last night and I did NOT even binge afterward. While I do recognize the victory in these two things I am also keenly aware of the battle that went on in my head/heart to accomplish it ... a battle that happens almost every time and one that leaves me wounded and worn out.

Just cause I determine not to listen to Ed's advice in such a situation doesn't mean he then admits defeat and retreats ... much to the contrary. He fights harder - - does all that he can to make me regret my decision to disobey. Berates and belittles me, throws stones and twists the truth.

When I went in to the room last night after typing here I knew I had to let Garron know what Ed was saying ... and the fear I was feeling. I lay on the bed beside him, my face hidden, silent. Its so embarrassing to have to voice these things to the one you love ... it seems so small and even crazy to talk about Ed and how much influence he has. I feel like a jerk. My husband is wanting to be close and I am listening to a voice in my head named Ed who is telling me to trade intimacy with my husband for a bowl of cereal ... and he makes it seem so right!?@?@

"Um, thanks for the invitation Garron but Ed says I can't tonight, or maybe ever. Just too fat, you know. Gotta go eat some more and make it worse. But I appreciate the thought ... hope you can find some satisfaction in that. Happy tenth year of marriage!"

Yeah, not cool. While you are praying for me and my recovery I would ask that you also pray for my husband. He is an incredible partner in this - so patient and understanding. So willing to believe what I tell him I'm dealing with and enter into recovery even when it may seem a bit insane.

When I did finally find my voice and tell him that although I, Amy, wanted to be with him, Ed was screaming at me not to, Garron reminded me that Ed is a liar and out to destroy me. He reminded me that Ed wants to keep me isolated cause he knows that is when I am most vulnerable.

**Aside** Journey has been singing songs from Beauty and the Beast this morning and just now she yelled out "I say we KILL THE BEAST". Kinda ironic, eh? That's exactly what Garron would like to do with Ed. (:

So anyway, as I lay there contemplating letting Garron hold me naked I could feel the familiar gagging sensation rising in my throat...not a 'thowing up' kinda gag but the kind of throat-level wretching gag I get when I think about how disgusting my body is and how trapped I feel in it and how hopeless it seems to be able to change it. The thought of exposing myself to someone, while Ed's got me in this place mentally, literally makes me gag.

So Garron prayed over me. And really, at that point there's nothing else that could be done. I am constantly amazed and grateful for prayer and the calming effect it has on me. I am convinced it is what is going to allow me victory in this and all areas of my wounded life. The more he prayed the calmer I got and by the end I was able to face an attempt at undressing. Indeed as the beginning of this post relayed I WAS able to be intimate with Garron. No, my Ed didn't stop talking throughout the whole process and I found I had to focus on the sound of the radio playing in the background in order to stay 'present'...but I did it. I am anxious for the day when sex will just be between Garron and I and Ed is finally out of the picture ... but until then I know I have to push through and fight for these times of intimacy and 'connectedness'.

Thank you Garron for being so gracious. I know you would kill ed with your bare hands if you could ... and as I type this I realize that actually, in a way you ARE! You destroy a bit of Ed each time you choose to caress me and hold me close despite my best efforts to convince you I'm unloveable and unworthy. Thank you for not taking this personally but for understanding that it is Ed that wants me to hide from you and not myself.