Two Weeks ... another 10 lbs?

Well, I recently returned from two restful weeks out at River's Edge Family Camp. Hence, my lack of posting. The first week I was so tired and run down that I slept every chance I got. I basically woke up to eat and watch the kids at their activities. After supper we went straight back to bed. It was glorious. I didn't have to think about meals or food or cleaning our chaotic and dust-filled house... I just slept. I didn't even need my sleeping pills. I fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep! Now, the only problem with spending two weeks at camp is that you get fed LOTS and aren't required to DO anything physical. Though I had a bit more energy my second week out there ... it poured rain everyday and I didn't feel like walking in it. I stayed indoors doing puzzles, etc. But of course, I kept eating all the good food they served. So I think (I'll have to prove it later today when I find a scale) but I think I've gained another 10 lbs or so. I caught sight of myself the other night and noticed a lot more of me around my torso than has ever been there before. I was disgusted by it. The flab, the rolls, ... I feel gross.

I am slipping into despair. I don't believe it will ever change for me. On one hand I know I'm not living in recovery yet (moderate eating, moderate movement) ... but it seems to me that if I manage to get a handle on one of those things the other just goes crazy. And more to the point is I don't really seem to be able to ever get a handle on EITHER. I consistently over eat and am too tired to work it off. I try to stop over eating and can make it for a few hours (how pathetic ... a few HOURS!) ... but then something 'clicks' in my head and I binge.

Out at camp I mostly didn't feel anything - walked around numb. Ate, slept, ate, slept. But I was so tired I couldn't face 'dealing' with anything. I just needed REST. But now, after resting I am bigger than before and deeper in despair. Great.
Oh, and I'm back at home - surrounded by perpetual noise, dust, demolition, and chaos.

I listen to praise music in an effort to refocus my heart and mind. I feel like I'm slipping away. (or want to)
I don't want to complain. I know the last two weeks were an incredible blessing. A gift from God. I am deeply grateful that I got to be out there and be cared for. I don't know how to bring that into today ... to use it to help get me through NOW.