Torn

Its Sunday night and we were just playing a game with the kids before putting them to bed when Garron quietly mentioned to me that he would be wanting to snuggle later ... "wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no mo-wa!"

And from that moment on I couldn't concentrate ... I was instantly fearful and on-edge. Part of me wants to be intimate with Garron for sure! But Ed is screaming in my ear "Danger! Danger!" Ed has been on my case all day about how big I've been getting...how none of my clothes fit like they used to and how some don't even fit at ALL. He's convinced me that I will only be comfy in my yoga pants and to not even try to put on any thing else. I actually went to church in my yoga pants and runners (looked like I should have been going out for a jog) ... since I was gonna be downstairs teaching Children's Church I figured I could 'get away with it'.

Anyway, I know Garron is in the bedroom waiting for me and I don't want to disappoint him or put him off but I'm just not sure how to get myself in the 'mood' when I feel so huge and disgusting. I don't want to see MYSELF naked let alone have someone else not only 'seeing' me but touching me too! Ed's telling me to go eat something and I'm so tempted! But I know I'll just feel twice as bad afterwards and that will only make this whole matter worse. When I put that argument to him (Ed) he tells me to go 'get things over with' with Garron and then come back and binge with HIM. That he will numb my fear and any shame I feel after letting Garron get so close.

I hate this cause I know I want and need intimacy and I know my husband does too. I don't want Ed to get in the way here but he always does. I want to be able to let myself go in these times and enjoy being loved by my man ... I want to feel bold and comfortable giving myself to him ... Ed says it will never happen. I hope that this is just another one of his lies.