I Think its getting Darker

In the Wizard of Oz the Scarecrow tells his friends that although he's not sure (after all he doesn't have a brain) he "thinks it has to get darker before it gets lighter".

That is where I seem to be right now. I thought things were pretty dark when, out of desperation, I started this journey toward freedom. Its much, much darker now. This past week has been one of persistent suicidal thoughts and unending tears. Before anyone panics I want to assure you that I have told 'B' and Garron and most of my family about all of this and have promised 'B' and my doctor that I will not follow through on the urge to end my life. We have altered my meds hoping that will be enough to get me past this crisis. I will be checking in with my doctor and 'B' once a week for the next month to be sure I don't slip through the cracks.

Going into my last session I was certain I didn't actually HAVE an eating disorder ... but that I was just lazy and undisciplined and stubborn. I want what I want and I don't want anyone to tell me I can't have it. I know what to do to be physically healthy and yet I JUST DON"T DO IT!! There's no Ed! Its just ME trying to find some other excuse for my pathetic life. I was ready to call it quits. Everything ... counselling, health, even life. It was all I could do to make it to my session that day without driving the car off the road or into oncoming traffic.

'B' read the official diagnosis/definition out of some big red book to prove to me that what I was thinking was NOT true. That it was another tactic of Ed to get me to let him stay. To convince me that he is not the problem ... I am. To convince me if I wanted to be free of the problem I'd have to be free of myself. 'B' told me that a cancer patient couldn't be cured of cancer if SHE WAS CANCER. That no one is born AS cancer. It is a physical 'disorder' that comes in. In the same way my eating disorder is not a part of me. I wasn't born with it. It is not just a personality flaw. It is a disordered way of thinking and seeing and feeling that CAME IN after a crisis in my childhood. I get confused and find it hard to see the distinction because I have had it for most of my life. I don't really remember life without it. 'B' said something that caught me ... she said I have probably never really known 'life' as a woman because Ed (captivity, shame, condemnation etc) has been with me since I was so young. I struggle to move toward freedom because I've never known it. I don't trust it yet.

It is so dark right now. But I left that meeting with a sliver of hope. Still not convinced of all 'B' said. But hopeful that if given time she could convince me.