So its 3 a.m. and I'm wide awake and thinking about Ed. Actually I am thinking about the proof I got today about the weight I've been gaining. Yes, I know I said I don't have a scale ... but my sister does. And while at her house today I snuck a quick peak - It registered me at just over 180 lbs. Two months ago I was just over 170. That's 10 pounds! Rather substantial. I walked out of her bathroom a bit shocked. I knew I had gained but I had hoped it wasn't THAT bad. Here's where putting that "Radical Acceptance" into practise kicks in. It must be working cause I haven't freaked out yet. I've had all day to ponder it and whenever Ed whispers in my ear I remind myself that "Yes, I have gained weight. A lot of it. That is my reality right now. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (pregnancies aside). But I must stay in recovery if I want to change it. Binging certainly isn't going to help (yeah, it would numb me for a few moments -- but then I would feel even worse about myself) and purging never gives me what I hope for. Only a temporary illusion of what I hope for. And not only does it not accomplish what I want - it does damage to my body internally that I may not be able to repair. So, do I want to binge and purge or do I want to live in recovery ... gradually achieving health and wholeness?
"I choose recovery." My teeth are gritted as I type this. It is on one hand an easy choice. Obvious. A no-brainer. But Ed is screaming now. He doesn't back off so easily. I have to remember not to engage him in conversation. Repeat my 'mantra' and close the door on him. No matter how often he comes at me tonight, tomorrow, the next day ... I just have to adopt the broken record "Radical Acceptance" response as my ONLY response. No bargaining, no apapthy, no willfulness.
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