Clarification

In reading over my last entry I realized it might seem like I'm saying I've never cried before. Or been messy. Not so. (oh my GOSH no) But I did NOT welcome it before. I beat myself up, condemned myself and felt shame over it. Now, accepting it and being grateful for it has changed the experience and the outcome so much.
I think the biggest part for me is trusting that God has designed this process ... that He is not disappointed in me for needing to go through it. That He is not disgusted with me for the mess I am in or the messy way I have to travel to get out of it.

There's a part in Hind's Feet On High Places that I has always moved me but that I have never really been able to accept as true for me: when Much Afraid is slogging it out on a particularly muddy section of mountain path. Even though its on the mountain it is flat, dark, wet and muddy. She doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere. She keeps falling and sliding backward. She mutters and despairs. I can't remember what her companions (Pain and Suffering I believe) are doing at that time ... but the Shepherd, Himself, comes to her. She fully expects to look up and see His disapproving face and hear him chide her for her messy state. Instead He is smiling and assures her that when He looks at her all He sees is the Much Afraid who has already reached the "High Places" and is healed and changed.

She's stunned. And quite frankly so am I. Somehow I could accept it for her. But only long for it for myself. Certain it couldn't possibly be true for me. This week I have been trying to live as if it is. Trying to trust that it is.