Willfulness

Oh, I mentioned willfulness in that last post and I wanted to write about that for a moment. "B" told me a few weeks ago that I needed to watch out for apathy. The attitude of not caring anymore about my recovery or health, because apathy quickly turns into willfulness which leads me to think things like:

~ who cares if binging isn't good for me. it makes me feel good for a few moments and I deserve to feel good for a change

~ I'm too tired to do this anymore, screw it. I'm gonna do what I want.

~ This is too hard. I can't do this. I WON'T do this.

And stuff like that.

Its so funny cause the week after she warned me of those thoughts creeping in they TOTALLY DID! And cause she had warned me I caught on to them and was able to change my mind from apathetic and willful to 'will-ING'. Willing to submit to recovery, to submit to health, and even to submit to God. To trust that His way of doing things (even in recovery) is best. And His way holds true satisfaction for me...not the empty, momentary satisfaction of a binge or a purge.

So, anyway. This has been a real key for me. I am surprised to find how easy it is for me to walk away from a temptation to binge when I identiy this attitude creeping in and label as dangerous. I wish I could explain this better but I am finding it difficult to put into words (maybe the fact that its 3 a.m. has something to do with that, hee hee)

My question for myself when I come up against this attitude is "how can I change this willfulness into willingness?" Try it! (: