Well, I just had an incredibly willful weekend. I was warned and I didn't listen. I felt angry and in my anger I gave myself things I should not have given. I indulged in self-pity. I refused to take the steps to turn my attitude around.
I am still in that place - but I know if I ever want to be healthy I will need to come out of it SOONER, rather than later. I am confessing my willfulness to you and have brought it also to my God.
But speaking of my God ... I have been feeling so distant from Him these last couple of weeks. I have felt a wall going up between us and I haven't taken the time to figure out why or what to do about it.
I feel a little cheated, I think. I am looking at things from only one perspective. Mine.
Have any of you read the allegory "The Horse And His Boy" by C.S. Lewis? In there when Aslan (a representation of Christ) comes and walks beside Shasta (when Shasta is lost in the mist) ... Shasta complains that he is the unluckiest person in the whole world. Aslan invites him to tell Him his sorrows. Which Shasta does. But then Aslan responds with some of the most devastating words ... he takes all the things Shasta has mentioned as being negative in his life and shows how He, Aslan, was behind them all. And how they were used to bring him to this very place at this very time for a bigger purpose.
While somewhat encouraging to know that Aslan was in control all the time I cannot dismiss the fact that He put Shasta through some terrible things. Alone. I know He was there all along but Shasta had no idea of that and so had no comfort or peace or understanding. No perspective.
That's how I feel right now. "B" says feelings cannot be trusted all the time. They cannot be what we base our decisions on ... but this weekend I realize that is exactly what I have been doing. Acting on how I feel ... not what I know to be true.
I don't want to admit it. I don't want it to have to be this way. I don't want to accept that God is allowing and even initiating some of these circumstances and leaving me without a 'sense' of His presence ... at least I have a 'knowledge' of it.
I don't want to feel like a pawn in God's chess game. I want the bigger picture and purpose to be all about me. Selfish, I know. But that's where I'm at today.
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Thank you for your honesty on your feelings and where you are Amy. Food for thought for my own life too.
ReplyDeleteI’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone that can be loved. The rest is up to them.
ReplyDeleteI’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that money is a lousy way to keep score.
I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I’ve learned that no matter good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've had a lot of thoughts in response to what you've said. They're not very organized. Here are some of them.
ReplyDelete1. B is right, don't trust your feelings. The whole thing is about truth and lies, you know the truth, if you have forgotten it, remind yourself and then hang onto it for dear life with both hands.
2. I think part the bigger picture of this struggle is huge, the truth is that not one of us can get out of bed in the morning and really live without submitting to God to fight our battles for us and shape us into Christlikeness (which hurts). Part of the 'uncomfortable blessing' people like you (and I) experience is that this is more literally true and observable in our day to day life. God is making you do what he wants everyone else to also be doing all the time, when you let him fight for you, you show his immense glory and power, you are letting your light shine before men, He is the light.
3. I have prayed for you with passion and tears, something I rarely do. As you share your burden and allow me to walk with you and carry it too, you offer me an opportunity to be obedient to God and grow in my Christlikeness. You stretch my faith.
4. I am reminded of David and Goliath. When David hears Goliath he asks "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?" as in "Who is this Ed that he should torment the precious daughter of the living God?" Then
David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and **the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands.**"
As a picture of salvation we are not David taking out our enemies, we are the desperate Israelites needing someone to help us, and Christ steps in, deals with our enemy and frees us up to run after the rest of the Philistine army. I think the picture holds for you too, at least for illustration purposes. You can't take down Ed on your own, you need Jesus to step in and do it for you, and he will because Ed has no place in your life, and he can be defeated because the battle is the Lord's. You can't fight him, but God can and will and when you're free you'll be running after all the rest of the Philistines. I pray that today is the day that Ed is struck down and gets his head cut off.
Love you, Amy.