For years now I have had a nagging thought creep in from time to time. One of ultimate forgiveness and acceptance with joy and peace. I am terrified that God is asking me to move with Him there. I know what Christ did on the cross and I read in scripture of His attitude and acceptance and forgiveness in the face of it. I have always tried to let myslef off the hook claiming it as 'a God thing'. That kind of forgiveness is not possible for the likes of me. That kind of humility and understanding and ACCEPTANCE of my place in comparison to God is surely only something He could achieve. But then a whisper comes to my soul's ear and says "My purpose is to conform you to the image of my Son. I intend to bring you HERE."
I'm honored by the invitation but am torn by what I know it will mean. I'm not sure I can let go of myself. I have so much invested. I don't know if I have what it takes to withstand the training. I'm a quitter. I can fight tough and all-out for a time ... but God's training, I know, will take much longer than I want it to. And I am afraid I will disappoint him. That I will feel like I am betraying myself and my family and friends if I adopt the attitude I think He is asking of me.
I am Much-Afraid. Crippled and weak and deformed. I want to be healed. But I know it will cost me everything. And that scares me. And even makes me a little angry. Haven't I been through enough?
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Have you heard of Helen Roseveare? She was Christian missionary in Congo who has written an autobiography in several volumes. She has experienced significant amounts of suffering, including being brutally raped more than once. She talks about this experience in her books, and she has a unique perspective on it. Her books are extremely readable, God really has done amazing things through her, but she remains an accessible, honest, regular person. Her life in a nutshell: http://www.thetravelingteam.org/node/118
ReplyDeleteThe book I read was called "Digging ditches" but I think she deals with that period of her life in one of her earlier books, probably, "He gave us a valley".
What sticks with me when she has had the opportunity to talk with other victims of sexual crimes is that God trusted her to walk through the experience and its after effects with him. As you deal with Ed and re-process all this stuff, do not doubt that you are becoming more Christ-like. Tonight, I am praying that this would become real for you...
'[God] said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 1Cor 12, 9-10
I pray that you will be able to embrace the weakness you feel, knowing that it is part of the special attention God is giving you, not content to leave you where you are, but bringing you along on the path to victory, peace and joy with him.
Can't remember if I have sent you this one yet...shocker I know. But, it's a good one for the moment. Letting go and letting Him hold me. It is hard- but man.....you got this friend. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteHelp Me Hold Me
Help me, I’m scared
If I let what is in out
All around me will run in shame
They will see my sin
The hurts, pride, pain.
They will know I cant really be
The person they see.
So, will you hold me?
Let my mask melt away.
Will it be ok if my outer lay melts too?
When it’s all gone
Do you still see me
Or is it something evil you see?
While you hold me
Will you hold me tight?
Hold me so close
I can feel your very breath.
Will you hold me
And never, ever let me go?
Am I worthy of that Love?
4-3-09