Darkness and Lies

Oh man, last week was a DARK week. I didn't post cause honestly I just didn't want to speak to anyone, hear from anyone, do anything or go anywhere. I wanted to hide! Or, to be more accurate ... Ed wanted me to hide. He had me convinced that I was gaining weight every hour of every day and that it was never gonna stop. I was panicking. I swear everytime I moved I saw a new roll, a new dimple, new inch ... I tried to avoid seeing myself but even when I closed my eyes I could 'FEEL' the pounds attaching themselves to me.

Now, I can't actually prove or disprove any weight gain ... I don't have a scale in my home. I had to get rid of that years ago. It was like it held me on a retractable leash. I'd weigh myself, have a cup of tea and then go back and weigh myself again. Or I'd answer the phone and after hanging up I would feel the tug to go and 'just be sure' I was still where I was before the call. Crazy. Every ounce would either destroy me (if I'd gained it) or elate me (if I'd lost it). OUNCE people!! So now I cannot let myself have a scale around. Ed is too skilled at using it to keep me 'obsessing'.

But even without the proof, Ed definitely had me convinced last week that I was becoming obese literally overnight. AND he convinced me that if any of you (or anyone else for that matter) saw me they would be horrified and filled with pity. That I would be the laughing stock of Three Hills if I even dared to go and get the mail. I considered letting Journey stay home from school to avoid seeing the other moms but I knew I needed to keep her schedule as normal as possible - so she could have some time away from my darkened mood.

I am happy to say that a session with my counsellor on Thursday gave me some much needed perspective. I feel I can again start moving forward in recovery, where as last week I felt for sure I would have to give up (if only for a time) and let myself purge for a few days to get 'back on track' weight-wise.

Thank you to those who have been praying. I will endeavor to do better at posting even in my 'wanting to withdraw' times - as my counsellor says it is Ed's secret plan to keep me isolated and vulnerable; and I cannot let him win!

Living in recovery means moderate eating and moderate movement. It means being free from Ed's controlling voice in my head and the fears and obsessions that surround food now.

If I live in recovery (the moderate eating, moderate movement part) my counsellor ASSURES me it is impossible to keep gaining weight. She says that the body wants to be healthy and if I live in recovery mode it will eventually sort itself out, find its healthy weight and STAY there. But if I binge or purge or under or over exercise it will get confused and stop working properly...and most likely hold on to pounds longer than necessary ... unsure of when I will try to starve it next (or over load its systems with too much food)