Early Morning, Softening Spirit

Unexpectedly, I had to drive Edgar to Edmonton to catch the train today. I was 'expecting' to have Amanda take him tonight but then he rechecked his ticket and found out it was for 7am today and not 7am tomorrow! So, we left at 3:15 am and made it in plenty of time. No deer, no nodding off behind the wheel. After dropping him at the train station I had the long ride home alone. Well, not exactly alone ... God reached out to me through the music I had playing. A little Bob Dylan to start and then a cd of a variety of Christian artists. One song in particular stood out. It is titled "Held" by Natalie Grant and the lyrics were as follows:

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no
sudden healing
to think that providence would
take a child from
his mother while she prays
is appalling

who told us we'd be rescued
what has changed
and why should we be saved
from the nightmares
we're asking why this happens
to us who have died to live
its unfair

**Chorus:
This is what it means to be held
how it feels
when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive
This is what it is to be loved
and to know
that the promise was when everthing fell
we'd be held

This hand is bitterness
we want to taste it
let the hatred numb our sorrow
the wise hand opens slowly to
lilies of the valley and
tomorrow

**chorus

if hope is born of suffering
if this is only the beginning
can we not wait for one hour
watching for our savior?

This is what it means to be held
how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive

This is what it is to be loved
and to know that the promise was
when everything fails
we'll be held

we'll be held

This is what it means to be loved and to know
that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held

This is what it means to be held.

The words and music washed over me and I felt the brackish edges of my wounded heart softening. I know I love my God. Not only inspite of what happened to me ... but someday even because of what He trusted me to walk with Him through. My willfulness is waning and I sense my spirit thawing ... if even just a little. I know the process is ongoing. But I know I wont give up on it.

thank you Dad,. You knew I needed to feel you today.

Thank You!

Before posting any more I just want to take a minute to thank each of you who read this. Thank you to those of you who pray and to those of you who send in comments and encouragement. I cannot express how much it all means to me and how often it is your comments and prayer that have been the only thing to keep me going. I am so low right now (though you may not know it to see me on the street) and when I read the comments you leave here, the verses, the poetry, the encouragement I am reduced to tears of humility and feel God's grace washing over me despite my mood, the questions with which I'm wrestling or the darkness I know I've let in.
You bless me!

Scared of Where it all Might Lead

For years now I have had a nagging thought creep in from time to time. One of ultimate forgiveness and acceptance with joy and peace. I am terrified that God is asking me to move with Him there. I know what Christ did on the cross and I read in scripture of His attitude and acceptance and forgiveness in the face of it. I have always tried to let myslef off the hook claiming it as 'a God thing'. That kind of forgiveness is not possible for the likes of me. That kind of humility and understanding and ACCEPTANCE of my place in comparison to God is surely only something He could achieve. But then a whisper comes to my soul's ear and says "My purpose is to conform you to the image of my Son. I intend to bring you HERE."

I'm honored by the invitation but am torn by what I know it will mean. I'm not sure I can let go of myself. I have so much invested. I don't know if I have what it takes to withstand the training. I'm a quitter. I can fight tough and all-out for a time ... but God's training, I know, will take much longer than I want it to. And I am afraid I will disappoint him. That I will feel like I am betraying myself and my family and friends if I adopt the attitude I think He is asking of me.

I am Much-Afraid. Crippled and weak and deformed. I want to be healed. But I know it will cost me everything. And that scares me. And even makes me a little angry. Haven't I been through enough?

break down / break through?

The night before last I had to wake Garron and have him hold me as I came 'undone'. I fell apart and was afraid to be alone with myself anymore. There were so many things going through my mind and weighing on my heart and Ed was telling me it was all too much ... just give up. I thought about taking my whole bottle of sleeping pills and just fading into heaven. It seemed like such a peaceful solution to all the struggling and striving and fighting. I don't really want to die ... I'm just desperate for rest. I don't want to cause more hurt in my going and I don't think I could/would ever bring myself to end it all ... but I do want to err on the side of caution, so Garron is now in possession and control of my pills.

It was one of those gutteral, snot-flying cries and lasted quite a while ... not a pretty sight (or sound). But one that had been brewing for awhile and needed to come out. One of the most precious things my Garron has done for me in our marriage is hold and pray over me when I am at my lowest. Though I might term it a 'bad night', "B" would tell me the opposite. She says she would rather have me feeling angry or sad then not feeling at all. At least this way I know I'm not numbing myself with Ed and pushing down what needs to be brought up and washed away. She would congratulate me on letting it come and seeing it through.

It is so powerful to voice things to a trusted friend. All the nagging, negative, condemning thoughts ... embarrassing as I thought they might sound ... I confessed that night to Garron. He has heard many of them before. And I was particularly frustrated because I thought I had dealt with, and moved past them. However, there they were ... again. So clearly I need to go deeper.

Telling the truth really does work to set one free. And since freedom is what I'm after ... I need to be totally honest about what is going on inside my head and heart. Even if I've been there a hundred times before and am embarrassed to be there again. I am definitely struggling with the 'why' of Ed in my life. I have been through much counselling for some of the traumas of my childhood and youth ... but this week it all came back. Why did God allow those traumas? Why so many times? Why with such deep levels of betrayal? Why didn't he step in afterward to help me deal with it in a healthy way? Why did He leave me feeling so alone and flawed? Why did He make promises in His word to be my tower and refuge and protector and then leave me to be molested? Why did He ask me to forgive? wait?
Praise Him? Why as I cried out to Him from my brokenness did my soul hear silence?

Why is it that the victim of sexual abuse feels dirty and flawed and evil? Why does the victim carry so much shame? What am I supposed to do now? What was I supposed to do then? How does He expect me to assimilate these parts of myself so that I can once again be whole? Who AM I? What is my purpose? Am I ok with that?

I can rationalize and 'answer' all of these questions in light of what I know from scripture ... but I cannot reconcile those answers with how broken and hopeless I feel inside right now. I have been here before and have not drowned ... I am sure I will not drown now. But I do have to sit under water for a time and let myself really experience the disappointment and betrayal and grief and pain. I have to expose these wounds to the water and let them be cleansed again ... on a deeper level than last time I guess.

Willful Weekend

Well, I just had an incredibly willful weekend. I was warned and I didn't listen. I felt angry and in my anger I gave myself things I should not have given. I indulged in self-pity. I refused to take the steps to turn my attitude around.

I am still in that place - but I know if I ever want to be healthy I will need to come out of it SOONER, rather than later. I am confessing my willfulness to you and have brought it also to my God.

But speaking of my God ... I have been feeling so distant from Him these last couple of weeks. I have felt a wall going up between us and I haven't taken the time to figure out why or what to do about it.

I feel a little cheated, I think. I am looking at things from only one perspective. Mine.
Have any of you read the allegory "The Horse And His Boy" by C.S. Lewis? In there when Aslan (a representation of Christ) comes and walks beside Shasta (when Shasta is lost in the mist) ... Shasta complains that he is the unluckiest person in the whole world. Aslan invites him to tell Him his sorrows. Which Shasta does. But then Aslan responds with some of the most devastating words ... he takes all the things Shasta has mentioned as being negative in his life and shows how He, Aslan, was behind them all. And how they were used to bring him to this very place at this very time for a bigger purpose.

While somewhat encouraging to know that Aslan was in control all the time I cannot dismiss the fact that He put Shasta through some terrible things. Alone. I know He was there all along but Shasta had no idea of that and so had no comfort or peace or understanding. No perspective.

That's how I feel right now. "B" says feelings cannot be trusted all the time. They cannot be what we base our decisions on ... but this weekend I realize that is exactly what I have been doing. Acting on how I feel ... not what I know to be true.

I don't want to admit it. I don't want it to have to be this way. I don't want to accept that God is allowing and even initiating some of these circumstances and leaving me without a 'sense' of His presence ... at least I have a 'knowledge' of it.
I don't want to feel like a pawn in God's chess game. I want the bigger picture and purpose to be all about me. Selfish, I know. But that's where I'm at today.

A Day of Rest

Speaking of needing more quiet time and rest ... Journey is in school today and Sara came and took Sol to her place to play with Ethan and Casendra. I have the whole house to myself (well, except for Edgar ... but he basically stays in his room and sleeps when he doesn't have school). I feel strange. I feel like I should call Sara and have her bring Sol back. I feel guilty.

I was gonna lay down and try to catch up on lost sleep but then I thought I should do the dishes first and get something ready for supper and do some laundry. Then maybe I would 'deserve' a rest.

I hate when I "should" all over myself!

However, I DID do the dishes and I DID put something in the crock pot for supper. But I think I'll leave the laundry where it is and go have my nap now. I have a good 3 hours before I have to pick Journey up from school ... thanks Sara. It takes me awhile to accept help but I know I need it and am so appreciative of your willingness to fight for me in this!

In Need of Margins

Well, 'B' says I am in need of some bigger margins in my life. I am living on the edge 'stress-wise' and need to create some breathing room. If I were a page and stress was depicted in words they would be filling the space and running off the edge of the paper. If I were water I would be at the 'just before boiling' point all the time ... it doesn't take much heat at all to start me really bubbling! I totally see this - little things that the kids do exasperate me when I should probably just be smiling about 'em. Mole hills feel like mountains. Just getting up in the morning takes all my energy for the day and I am left 'spent' before getting anything accomplished.

SO:

'B' gave me some relaxing exercises to do: Its called
"self-soothing with the senses". When I feel things are getting a bit too much (and I must be paying attention and catch the signs early!!) I need to stop and 'check in' with myself. Take a quick look at what is happening around me and in me and acknowledge it. I need to guage my stress level out of 10. Then I need to pick a sense and focus on it for 5 minutes. So, if I pick hearing it would look like this:
close my eyes and focus on what I can hear. Pick out all the individual sounds and talk to myself about them. Right now I can hear the keys clicking as I type these words. Its very rythmic. I hear a fan blowing in Journey's room and plastic flapping occasionally as the wind from the fan hits it. Etc. If I pick sight it might look like this: There is a floor lamp in the corner, it has a dark stand and a burgandy shade. It stands out against the gray of the drywall behind it. There is a white window beside the lamp and I can see a brown cardboard box through it. I see green trees and the stone base of our neighbors house. I see white curtains with frilly lace edging. I see a blue Jeldwen sticker on the window that is peeling off in one corner. I see the tvek wrap by the edge of the window - it is yellow with an orange trim. Etc, etc. This may seem silly but it actually works! 'B' says it works because it forces me to use the other side of my brain. The side that thinks and stresses about things is left behind. I cannot operate out of both sides at once. I can bounce back and forth quickly but the more intentional and thorough I am with the exercise the easier it will become to stay in the 'good' side. The peaceful side. After about 5 minutes of this I check back in with where my stress is at on a scale of 1 to 10. If it is low enough for me to move on with my day great! But if it could stand to be lower I just do the exercise again.
Maybe picking a new sense.

This will help me calm down when I feel I'm about to fall off the edge of the page. But in order to not get so close to the edge in the first place I have to make some more changes in my schedule. I will have to be very intentional about getting rest when I need it (before I 'Feel' I need it!). I will have to make sure I am not over booking myself and be firm with those boundaries. 'B' says I have to put my recovery first right now in order to gain traction and really 'kick this thing'. She says this stage of recovery is very stressful and takes a lot of energy and I need to limit the other activities and stresses in my life if I want to be succesfull.

So if I don't answer the phone or come to the door (even though you know I'm home cause you can see my car or hear the kids playing), or if you don't see me in church or I pass on an invitation to come over ... please don't take it personally. I AM avoiding you (: but not cause I don't like you or WANT to see you. Its just that it would be more helpful to my recovery to retreat and rest at this time.
Of course I still love hearing encouraging messages on my phone or reading them on the blog or in email/facebook. Its not that you can't reach out at all. Its just that those methods are ones that I will be able to digest safely right now. I thank you all in advance for your patience and understanding.

Cereal's In The House

Ok, today I went and bought some more cold cereal. It hasn't been in the house for a week or so and I've missed it so much. Sometimes its nice to have something on hand that Journey can get in the morning without needing my help! However, it IS a weakness of mine. Ed uses it to lure me out of recovery ... so I am telling you all that I have it and need prayer to keep it in its proper place. Just like chocolate, cereal is not bad ... just the attitude I have when I eat it. And how MUCH I eat at a time or in a day. So, here's to one bowl a day tops and only if I am physically hungry (no emotional eating or binges).

A Surprise Sun Day!

Well I woke up this morning with a bit of dread in my heart. I was afraid to look out the window because the weather forcast had predicted rain ... again. However, as I peered out my back door I saw not rain and clouds and gray - but sun and clear blue skies. Hooray!

The weather is one of Ed's favorite weapons against me. As soon as he sees a gray day he bombards me with negative, condemning thoughts. He likes to use words like pathetic, useless, worthless, shame, fat, ugly, disgusting, lazy, stupid ... as if the rain had anything to do with me being any of these things ... ?!?!?! But usually I accept them as being connected and spiral down into a dark and lonely place.

Today it is easy to laugh at Ed's attempts to bring me down - its sunny afterall. My vision is clear. But tomorrow -- if its raining -- I must remind myself to look to the Son-light for this clarity and not let Ed convince me of things I know to be totally unrelated and untrue.

Skor Bar ... oh the sweet taste of victory

Today I have a skor bar to look forward to. Oh, I had it yesterday ... bought it after finding out my weight. Wanted to eat it out of spite. But I didn't. I chose an attitude of willingness and let my skor bar stay in my pocket. Today I will eat it in peace for my morning snack ... with a cup of tea. Its not that chocolate is evil, not that I can never have it. I just need to wait for the right attitude and time. Wahoo! I have done that this time!!!!

Willfulness

Oh, I mentioned willfulness in that last post and I wanted to write about that for a moment. "B" told me a few weeks ago that I needed to watch out for apathy. The attitude of not caring anymore about my recovery or health, because apathy quickly turns into willfulness which leads me to think things like:

~ who cares if binging isn't good for me. it makes me feel good for a few moments and I deserve to feel good for a change

~ I'm too tired to do this anymore, screw it. I'm gonna do what I want.

~ This is too hard. I can't do this. I WON'T do this.

And stuff like that.

Its so funny cause the week after she warned me of those thoughts creeping in they TOTALLY DID! And cause she had warned me I caught on to them and was able to change my mind from apathetic and willful to 'will-ING'. Willing to submit to recovery, to submit to health, and even to submit to God. To trust that His way of doing things (even in recovery) is best. And His way holds true satisfaction for me...not the empty, momentary satisfaction of a binge or a purge.

So, anyway. This has been a real key for me. I am surprised to find how easy it is for me to walk away from a temptation to binge when I identiy this attitude creeping in and label as dangerous. I wish I could explain this better but I am finding it difficult to put into words (maybe the fact that its 3 a.m. has something to do with that, hee hee)

My question for myself when I come up against this attitude is "how can I change this willfulness into willingness?" Try it! (:

3:00 A.M. ... Really?!

So its 3 a.m. and I'm wide awake and thinking about Ed. Actually I am thinking about the proof I got today about the weight I've been gaining. Yes, I know I said I don't have a scale ... but my sister does. And while at her house today I snuck a quick peak - It registered me at just over 180 lbs. Two months ago I was just over 170. That's 10 pounds! Rather substantial. I walked out of her bathroom a bit shocked. I knew I had gained but I had hoped it wasn't THAT bad. Here's where putting that "Radical Acceptance" into practise kicks in. It must be working cause I haven't freaked out yet. I've had all day to ponder it and whenever Ed whispers in my ear I remind myself that "Yes, I have gained weight. A lot of it. That is my reality right now. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (pregnancies aside). But I must stay in recovery if I want to change it. Binging certainly isn't going to help (yeah, it would numb me for a few moments -- but then I would feel even worse about myself) and purging never gives me what I hope for. Only a temporary illusion of what I hope for. And not only does it not accomplish what I want - it does damage to my body internally that I may not be able to repair. So, do I want to binge and purge or do I want to live in recovery ... gradually achieving health and wholeness?

"I choose recovery." My teeth are gritted as I type this. It is on one hand an easy choice. Obvious. A no-brainer. But Ed is screaming now. He doesn't back off so easily. I have to remember not to engage him in conversation. Repeat my 'mantra' and close the door on him. No matter how often he comes at me tonight, tomorrow, the next day ... I just have to adopt the broken record "Radical Acceptance" response as my ONLY response. No bargaining, no apapthy, no willfulness.

Rainy Days and Radical Acceptance

I have been fatigued lately ... not getting to sleep, not staying asleep, waking up REALLY early ... missing my naps. Just not good. And then there's the weather. Seems silly but I am SO brought down by the gray skies and drizzle. If there were thunder and lightning I think I'd be a BIT invigorated by it ... but this droning drizzle is so draining. (note the alliteration (: not bad for first thing in the morning)

Last week my counsellor (whom I will hereby refer to as "B") told me about Radical Acceptance. I may hate my body and its size/shape but I have to choose to accept it as MY reality FOR NOW. I cannot stay in a place of wishing it away ... that's when Ed can lure me into his twisted 'solutions'. But if I can acknowledge my disgust with myself, THEN choose to accept it FOR NOW I will be able to stay in recovery ... trusting recovery to bring about the desired changes and freedom.

Guess I should practise this attitude with the rain too, eh?

Darkness and Lies

Oh man, last week was a DARK week. I didn't post cause honestly I just didn't want to speak to anyone, hear from anyone, do anything or go anywhere. I wanted to hide! Or, to be more accurate ... Ed wanted me to hide. He had me convinced that I was gaining weight every hour of every day and that it was never gonna stop. I was panicking. I swear everytime I moved I saw a new roll, a new dimple, new inch ... I tried to avoid seeing myself but even when I closed my eyes I could 'FEEL' the pounds attaching themselves to me.

Now, I can't actually prove or disprove any weight gain ... I don't have a scale in my home. I had to get rid of that years ago. It was like it held me on a retractable leash. I'd weigh myself, have a cup of tea and then go back and weigh myself again. Or I'd answer the phone and after hanging up I would feel the tug to go and 'just be sure' I was still where I was before the call. Crazy. Every ounce would either destroy me (if I'd gained it) or elate me (if I'd lost it). OUNCE people!! So now I cannot let myself have a scale around. Ed is too skilled at using it to keep me 'obsessing'.

But even without the proof, Ed definitely had me convinced last week that I was becoming obese literally overnight. AND he convinced me that if any of you (or anyone else for that matter) saw me they would be horrified and filled with pity. That I would be the laughing stock of Three Hills if I even dared to go and get the mail. I considered letting Journey stay home from school to avoid seeing the other moms but I knew I needed to keep her schedule as normal as possible - so she could have some time away from my darkened mood.

I am happy to say that a session with my counsellor on Thursday gave me some much needed perspective. I feel I can again start moving forward in recovery, where as last week I felt for sure I would have to give up (if only for a time) and let myself purge for a few days to get 'back on track' weight-wise.

Thank you to those who have been praying. I will endeavor to do better at posting even in my 'wanting to withdraw' times - as my counsellor says it is Ed's secret plan to keep me isolated and vulnerable; and I cannot let him win!

Living in recovery means moderate eating and moderate movement. It means being free from Ed's controlling voice in my head and the fears and obsessions that surround food now.

If I live in recovery (the moderate eating, moderate movement part) my counsellor ASSURES me it is impossible to keep gaining weight. She says that the body wants to be healthy and if I live in recovery mode it will eventually sort itself out, find its healthy weight and STAY there. But if I binge or purge or under or over exercise it will get confused and stop working properly...and most likely hold on to pounds longer than necessary ... unsure of when I will try to starve it next (or over load its systems with too much food)

Adding Another Weapon to the Arsenal

Well, this morning I tried something new ... Yoga. My good friend Celeste invited me over promising it would relieve some stress and bring health to my body. I must admit I was skeptical. More than being skeptical though, I was just not wanting to be around people right now. Wanna hide in my house and forget about the outside world. But Celeste gently encouraged me to come and try it and I did. And I was pleasantly surprised! It felt really good to move and breathe with intention and to actually RELAX. She has let me borrow the dvd we worked from so that I can do more at home. Thanks my friend! I so appreciate your care, your willingness to be present in my life even though I'm prickly right now and your willingness to also give me some space. I love ya lots!