Every day Ed wakes me with a list of expectations, comments and demands. And my homework this week is to start each day by identifying those messages. To start by recognizing that they are from ED and not to be trusted.
Today he wanted me to focus on how uncomfortable I was in my clothes. He drew my attention to all the places my clothes felt a bit tight, rubbed against my skin or seemed to restrict my movement in any way. Yeah, I know, in order to be dressed you're gonna have to feel SOMEthing ... but Ed tries to convince me that skinny people DON'T! That somehow their clothes hover a few mm's away from their skin at all times. That the feel of denim is strangely like silk to them. That because my jeans feel rough on my skin that makes me less (or MORE) of a person. He tells me that because I can feel the waistline of my pants I am somehow flawed and ugly.
His second message to me today was to look in the mirror, find all the areas that look lumpy, or dimpled or just plain fat and try to literally scratch them off. Thankfully I didn't have time to do this cause Journey and Sol came into my room and jumped on my bed wanting to snuggle.
The second part of my homework is to determine what I need to do to be in recovery. So for today I know I need to wear loose clothes so as to limit Ed's weaponry against me ... and I need to make a concerted effort to stay away from the mirror!!!
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You are brave, you are beautiful and you are loved! I don't know that I would even begin to have the courage to talk about my demons and self harm. Please read the email I sent you! Know I love you deeply (all the way from the "South") Remind me again of our time difference so we can catch up! Hand-n-Hand and Heart -to- Heart (just like you taught me) together we will survive. I love u-ash!
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