As I'm writing these words my son is crying in his bedroom, my daughter is crying in her bedroom and my neice Casendra is crying on the front porch. Ed's voice, which has been quiet most of the day, is now getting louder and louder as he tries to drown out the sound of the chaos around me. Chaos drives me to Ed. Children crying drives me to Ed.
Wanting to make the end of the school day as pleasant as possible I took the kids to the store to get them an ice cream. While in the store Journey had a meltdown because she couldn't decide which one she wanted most. It was the kind of meltdown that is totally irrational and uncontrollable and one of my biggest Ed triggers. After getting home I sent the kids outside to finish their popcicles which ended in screaming as Sol saw a wasp, Casendra got angry at Sol for trying to come in side and Journey had a second meltdown because the screams of the other two grated on her nerves. Its these kinds of happenings that drive me to binge. I feel like screaming myself, (but know I can't or I'd terrify the kids) I do what I can to diffuse the situation but even after I get things calmed down I'm still in a mini state of shock on the inside and feel so unstable. Ed tells me that binging will quiet things down on the inside and bring some much needed peace. He tells me that if I just go and gorge myself on cereal or chocolate (my two favorite binge foods) I will be able to handle whatever is going on around me ... or better yet is when he tells me that binging will actually transport me OUT of what is going on around me. To a safe and happy place. Since this is my most urgent desire I almost always give in.
Today, I am typing it all out in an attempt to disobey Ed, in hopes that the more I type the more I'll calm down on my own. Journey is still crying in her room, though, so I don't think this is gonna work. Maybe if everyone else around me is calm I would be able to calm myself d;adisojg ='9o=ulkreauv'jxlkcgmn AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
Sorry, I am getting really angry right now. I feel like a binge is inevitable cause Journey just WONT STOP! These are the moments that make me feel like such a failure as a parent. Like such a failure as a person! I was doing so well today too. I was living today in recovery. HAHHHHHHHH! I want to scream at her to stop. Its so frustrating. I'd better go make a call. I think this isn't gonna get better just by typing. Garron's gonna have to talk me through.
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I'll have to think about what makes me want to binge...
ReplyDeleteI discovered last night that if I get angry it actually makes me NOT want to eat, weird. Cause I had really been craving a dairy queen pecan mudslide. But after the 'argument' I desired none of it. Anyhow, keep it up, well done on making the call.