Messy but Moving

Something 'B' said in my last session has been resonating with me all week long. I have been yeilding to it and I think I am learning something very important.
She said "this is going to be messy".
That may not seem profound to you, but for me it WAS.

I started thinking back through my life ... and realized that I never like to 'be messy'. I like to do things right ... the first time! I want my 'teachers' to be proud of me. I want to really 'get it' without extra explanation.

In high school I distinctly remember loathing the prework required for essay writing. I didn't want to have to brainstorm and then summarize and then write one, two or even three drafts before handing in a final paper. I thought I should be able to write something intelligent and even profound without it. That if I didn't I was showing that I was somehow inferior, weak, unacceptable ... stupid. All that draft work was 'messy'. I wanted only to deal with the neatly typed 'final product'.

And I have been tackling THIS journey the same way. I want 'B' to give me the formula and then I want to go home and be able to write the final paper ... no drafts or 'rough work'.

I needed 'B' to give me permission to be messy. Actually, I needed more than permission. I needed to be told that's how it IS. You don't really have a choice, Amy. This is going to be messy. And that's ok. You are going to be messy. And that, too is ok.

Well, I've certainly been messy this week. I have broken down at least three times. Once in front of my kids. I have been trying desperately to shield them from what I am going through. And to some extent I think that is necessary ... children should not have to carry the burdens of their adult parents. But what I didn't realize was that they already were carrying a burden ... but I was making it worse by not telling them why I was so grumpy and frustrated at them, or why I was lying on the couch so much instead of playing games with or reading to them. Journey had been after me every night asking to do 'something specail' (like a sleep over or a 'girl bath' or watch a little movie) and every night I had said I couldn't. By that time in the day I am done. OVER done. And this time when I said no she said with tears falling down her cheeks, "when you say no to me so much it feels like you hate me with all of your heart". The mess that happened after that was ... beautiful. I crumpled into a pile of tears and Garron came and we had a wonderful time of explanation and prayer. All four of us. Garron talking and crying and praying, me crying and assuring the kids of my love for them, Journey listening and understanding, Solomon listening and caressing my arm in concern. It felt awful and wonderful all at the same time.

The next night during a movie I had to ask Garron to hold me - to physically keep me from responding to Ed's invitation to eat even though I was not hungry. Ed was so strong, but Garron was stronger. And I was able to tell Garron a whole slew of lies that Ed was throwing at me ... I sobbed at the shame of them. But again, I was able to look back and see the mess in a new light. Because I let myself cry and admit to the junk going on in my head I was able to live in recovery that night. I did not obey Ed. I trusted that the mess would be worth it. And it was.

The NEXT night I crashed again. Ed's voice is strongest in the evening. When I know Garron needs to head to bed and I will be left alone. Even though it was late and Ed was telling me I was a terrible wife for keeping Garron up, I fought to voice my fears and compulsions. The pressure I put on myself to take this journey without having it actually 'affect' my daily life is enormous. I think I should be able to carry on with everything as normal. Tend to the house, the meals, the clothes, the neighbors, the errands, the KIDS ... I feel like I am so terrible for having these issues because it is an inconvenience to everyone around me. Especially my husband and kids. Garron punched Ed in the face on that one. And I don't mind saying ... it was a messy business.

In the middle of it the thought hit me "I'm crying a lot these days. I'm crying and yet I'm winning against Ed at the same time. Being messy and yet finding that within the mess lies the key to recovery. I am not denying or repressing the voices in my head, the fears in my heart, the sensations in my body. I am allowing them to come ... no matter how ugly ... and I am finding in that the strength to disobey Ed. One disclaimer - if I were alone I don't think these crashes would be nearly so effective. But with Garron there holding me, keeping me physically on the bed or on the couch so I couldn't just run to the fridge, and praying over me and speaking truth against the lies ... it is do-able. Not pretty or neat .. but do-able.