Just Surviving

My counsellor says that right now I need to lower my expectations of myself ... I need to make my goal 'surviving' and not worry about how good of a mother I am being or how attentive a wife -- I need to wake up in the morning with a goal to just make it through the day ... if I do that then I've succeeded and should celebrate. I'm still alive and about to head to bed so I guess that means today was a success. Maybe not a glorious one, but one I need to celebrate anyway. So, three cheers for me. Even though mostly I feel like crying and pulling out my hair strand by strand I will choose to tell myself that I did good today. If fact, I think I'll go and write that a hundred times while lying in bed. Maybe then I will start to believe it.

Multiple Post Day

Looks like today may be one of those days where I'll need to post often to keep Ed at bay. He is loud and obnoxious this morning ... trying to punish me for disobeying last night. Wants to make sure I don't fight him so much next time.
Wants to reel me back in and remind me how much I need his guidance and protection and 'comfort'. Even my yoga pants are rolling down at the waist line cause my belly is getting so big ... If I could walk around all day in a long t-shirt and undies I think I would actually be MORE comfortable than wearing these pants and knowing I am growing even too big for THEM, stretchy as they are.

I'm irritated and jumpy inside. Just want to climb back in bed and pretend I don't exist. Problem is I DO exist and am growing daily (or so it seems). My counsellor says that Ed and my Body Dismorphic Disorder don't allow me to see myself accurately. That it is as if I am looking at my body through fun house mirrors. And while I believe that to be somewhat true ... I can't seem to find a way around the fact that my clothes really are getting tighter ... I don't have to LOOK at anything to know that. Could the BD disorder make me FEEL things inaccurately?

Garron just called to ask if he could pray for me. I broke into tears at the sound of his voice and his offer. It was perfect timing. I am in awe of our God and how much he cares for one such as I.

Deep breath. Gotta go make the kids their morning snack.

I'm sure I'll be back later.

The Morning After

Some of you may be pleased to hear that I did in fact share an intimate time with my husband last night and I did NOT even binge afterward. While I do recognize the victory in these two things I am also keenly aware of the battle that went on in my head/heart to accomplish it ... a battle that happens almost every time and one that leaves me wounded and worn out.

Just cause I determine not to listen to Ed's advice in such a situation doesn't mean he then admits defeat and retreats ... much to the contrary. He fights harder - - does all that he can to make me regret my decision to disobey. Berates and belittles me, throws stones and twists the truth.

When I went in to the room last night after typing here I knew I had to let Garron know what Ed was saying ... and the fear I was feeling. I lay on the bed beside him, my face hidden, silent. Its so embarrassing to have to voice these things to the one you love ... it seems so small and even crazy to talk about Ed and how much influence he has. I feel like a jerk. My husband is wanting to be close and I am listening to a voice in my head named Ed who is telling me to trade intimacy with my husband for a bowl of cereal ... and he makes it seem so right!?@?@

"Um, thanks for the invitation Garron but Ed says I can't tonight, or maybe ever. Just too fat, you know. Gotta go eat some more and make it worse. But I appreciate the thought ... hope you can find some satisfaction in that. Happy tenth year of marriage!"

Yeah, not cool. While you are praying for me and my recovery I would ask that you also pray for my husband. He is an incredible partner in this - so patient and understanding. So willing to believe what I tell him I'm dealing with and enter into recovery even when it may seem a bit insane.

When I did finally find my voice and tell him that although I, Amy, wanted to be with him, Ed was screaming at me not to, Garron reminded me that Ed is a liar and out to destroy me. He reminded me that Ed wants to keep me isolated cause he knows that is when I am most vulnerable.

**Aside** Journey has been singing songs from Beauty and the Beast this morning and just now she yelled out "I say we KILL THE BEAST". Kinda ironic, eh? That's exactly what Garron would like to do with Ed. (:

So anyway, as I lay there contemplating letting Garron hold me naked I could feel the familiar gagging sensation rising in my throat...not a 'thowing up' kinda gag but the kind of throat-level wretching gag I get when I think about how disgusting my body is and how trapped I feel in it and how hopeless it seems to be able to change it. The thought of exposing myself to someone, while Ed's got me in this place mentally, literally makes me gag.

So Garron prayed over me. And really, at that point there's nothing else that could be done. I am constantly amazed and grateful for prayer and the calming effect it has on me. I am convinced it is what is going to allow me victory in this and all areas of my wounded life. The more he prayed the calmer I got and by the end I was able to face an attempt at undressing. Indeed as the beginning of this post relayed I WAS able to be intimate with Garron. No, my Ed didn't stop talking throughout the whole process and I found I had to focus on the sound of the radio playing in the background in order to stay 'present'...but I did it. I am anxious for the day when sex will just be between Garron and I and Ed is finally out of the picture ... but until then I know I have to push through and fight for these times of intimacy and 'connectedness'.

Thank you Garron for being so gracious. I know you would kill ed with your bare hands if you could ... and as I type this I realize that actually, in a way you ARE! You destroy a bit of Ed each time you choose to caress me and hold me close despite my best efforts to convince you I'm unloveable and unworthy. Thank you for not taking this personally but for understanding that it is Ed that wants me to hide from you and not myself.

Torn

Its Sunday night and we were just playing a game with the kids before putting them to bed when Garron quietly mentioned to me that he would be wanting to snuggle later ... "wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no mo-wa!"

And from that moment on I couldn't concentrate ... I was instantly fearful and on-edge. Part of me wants to be intimate with Garron for sure! But Ed is screaming in my ear "Danger! Danger!" Ed has been on my case all day about how big I've been getting...how none of my clothes fit like they used to and how some don't even fit at ALL. He's convinced me that I will only be comfy in my yoga pants and to not even try to put on any thing else. I actually went to church in my yoga pants and runners (looked like I should have been going out for a jog) ... since I was gonna be downstairs teaching Children's Church I figured I could 'get away with it'.

Anyway, I know Garron is in the bedroom waiting for me and I don't want to disappoint him or put him off but I'm just not sure how to get myself in the 'mood' when I feel so huge and disgusting. I don't want to see MYSELF naked let alone have someone else not only 'seeing' me but touching me too! Ed's telling me to go eat something and I'm so tempted! But I know I'll just feel twice as bad afterwards and that will only make this whole matter worse. When I put that argument to him (Ed) he tells me to go 'get things over with' with Garron and then come back and binge with HIM. That he will numb my fear and any shame I feel after letting Garron get so close.

I hate this cause I know I want and need intimacy and I know my husband does too. I don't want Ed to get in the way here but he always does. I want to be able to let myself go in these times and enjoy being loved by my man ... I want to feel bold and comfortable giving myself to him ... Ed says it will never happen. I hope that this is just another one of his lies.

TGIF

Thank God its Friday! Garron will be home more for the next two days and that is SOOOO good. When he is gone and I am left alone to deal with the kids all day it can get ... overwhelming. Journey asked me today ... "mom, how come you had a nap and are STILL grumpy?" The fact that she kept interrupting my nap with questions about whether or not she could watch another movie, have another snack, or call and invite Ethan over didn't seem to mean anything to her. And the fact that I had Sol and Casendra on either side of me talking and playing with each other over top of me shouldn't have been a problem either.

All I can say is I'm glad I'll have a present partner for the next two days.

And I'm awful glad I have my sisters and girl-friends here in town to fill in the gap when Garron's gone!!! I'd be in the grave without you all. THANK YOU for your help!!!

Long Drives Make Me Happy

I got to my session today with a song in my heart! Now, maybe "Shut Up" by the Black-Eyed Peas isn't what you were imagining me singing but it DOES kinda fit with what I want to say to Ed through these sessions. (:

The two and a half hour drive up is proving to be a vital part of my recovery. It gives me much needed time and space to myself, a chance to listen to the music that feeds my soul, a chance to clear my head of all the questions, demands, laundry, dishes etc, and a chance to prepare mentally for the counselling session ahead.

Its good to take stock of where I'm at and how I'm doing. I came out of my session encouraged that I am on the right track. I now need to read "The Search For Significance" by McGee ... anyone got a copy they'd like to lend me?

Confession is Good for the Soul

Ok, today I went to the store and bought two bags of cereal. I've already had 3 bowls and its only been in the house for 5 hours. I don't know why it is so tempting. It calls to me from the store (I know that may sound crazy but I swear to you its true) and it calls to me from my cupboard. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a trance ... being pulled to it like a magnet to metal. And it only releases me once I've eaten it.

But when the cereal stops talking Ed jumps in. He is talking to me now. Just letting me know what a disgrace I am ... trying to tell me that if you guys knew I had eaten three bowls of cereal this evening you would no longer want to associate with me (did I mention that I also had a full supper of chicken, potatoes and salad?) So, I'm writing to you to prove him wrong. When Ed is not whispering in my ear I know that you will love and support me no matter what. So, I'm telling all my secrets (not all at once of course ... that might kill me) to prove Ed a liar.

Well, good morning to you too, Ed.

You're useless. You're flabby and dimpled and the skin on your back folds into itself when you roll over in bed. Who could like that? Who would ever find that attractive? How about you don't eat today ... just get up and have your shower and then start doing stuff so you don't think about missing breakfast. Ooooor, since you're too pathetic and lack the necessary will power to starve yourself why don't you eat a BIG breakfast instead. Make some hot cereal to start, then have some toast, a few eggs (isn't there bacon in the freezer?) after that you can have some yogurt, a fruity drink and some of that giant chocolate bar on the fridge. Yeah, do THAT! A binge suits your shape more than starving does. You're not worth starving ...

These are the crazy contradictory messages Ed gives me. Starve yourself, gorge yourself, starve yourself, no ... gorge yourself. So, today Ed wants me to focus on all the parts of me that are bigger than they should (could) be ... and eat in an unhealthy way. To be in recovery I will need to put positive messages into my brain and choose to eat proper meals, at proper times. I will need to listen to my body and respect it when it says its full. (or hungry)

What a Difference A Call Can Make

Hey, its 5:59 and I haven't binged yet! Garron will be home in the next five minutes ... I just might make it. I did call him and after that I called my mom, too. Both gave me some much needed perspective and distraction. Now I've got the kids watching a video while I make supper. I didn't think I'd be able to face making supper tonight but I'm doing it. And I'm ok.

After School Madness

As I'm writing these words my son is crying in his bedroom, my daughter is crying in her bedroom and my neice Casendra is crying on the front porch. Ed's voice, which has been quiet most of the day, is now getting louder and louder as he tries to drown out the sound of the chaos around me. Chaos drives me to Ed. Children crying drives me to Ed.

Wanting to make the end of the school day as pleasant as possible I took the kids to the store to get them an ice cream. While in the store Journey had a meltdown because she couldn't decide which one she wanted most. It was the kind of meltdown that is totally irrational and uncontrollable and one of my biggest Ed triggers. After getting home I sent the kids outside to finish their popcicles which ended in screaming as Sol saw a wasp, Casendra got angry at Sol for trying to come in side and Journey had a second meltdown because the screams of the other two grated on her nerves. Its these kinds of happenings that drive me to binge. I feel like screaming myself, (but know I can't or I'd terrify the kids) I do what I can to diffuse the situation but even after I get things calmed down I'm still in a mini state of shock on the inside and feel so unstable. Ed tells me that binging will quiet things down on the inside and bring some much needed peace. He tells me that if I just go and gorge myself on cereal or chocolate (my two favorite binge foods) I will be able to handle whatever is going on around me ... or better yet is when he tells me that binging will actually transport me OUT of what is going on around me. To a safe and happy place. Since this is my most urgent desire I almost always give in.

Today, I am typing it all out in an attempt to disobey Ed, in hopes that the more I type the more I'll calm down on my own. Journey is still crying in her room, though, so I don't think this is gonna work. Maybe if everyone else around me is calm I would be able to calm myself d;adisojg ='9o=ulkreauv'jxlkcgmn AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Sorry, I am getting really angry right now. I feel like a binge is inevitable cause Journey just WONT STOP! These are the moments that make me feel like such a failure as a parent. Like such a failure as a person! I was doing so well today too. I was living today in recovery. HAHHHHHHHH! I want to scream at her to stop. Its so frustrating. I'd better go make a call. I think this isn't gonna get better just by typing. Garron's gonna have to talk me through.

Three's A Crowd

I rolled over in bed this morning and there, lying between me and my Garron was, yes, you guessed it ... Ed. He told me to keep my distance from Garron ... warned me that if I let Garron touch me he would discover how much I'd gained and would be not only alarmed, but disgusted. Though it took all my power I am pleased to announce that I decided to punch Ed right in the face ... and snuggled up close to my REAL sweetheart. Fear remained, and I had to battle to stay in Garron's embrace, but I DID it. And much to my comfort, he didn't seem disgusted by my presence at all.

Ed wants to keep a physical distance between me and Garron so today, in order to be in recovery, I need to tell Garron that I will need lots of hugs and cuddles.

What does he want today?

Every day Ed wakes me with a list of expectations, comments and demands. And my homework this week is to start each day by identifying those messages. To start by recognizing that they are from ED and not to be trusted.

Today he wanted me to focus on how uncomfortable I was in my clothes. He drew my attention to all the places my clothes felt a bit tight, rubbed against my skin or seemed to restrict my movement in any way. Yeah, I know, in order to be dressed you're gonna have to feel SOMEthing ... but Ed tries to convince me that skinny people DON'T! That somehow their clothes hover a few mm's away from their skin at all times. That the feel of denim is strangely like silk to them. That because my jeans feel rough on my skin that makes me less (or MORE) of a person. He tells me that because I can feel the waistline of my pants I am somehow flawed and ugly.

His second message to me today was to look in the mirror, find all the areas that look lumpy, or dimpled or just plain fat and try to literally scratch them off. Thankfully I didn't have time to do this cause Journey and Sol came into my room and jumped on my bed wanting to snuggle.

The second part of my homework is to determine what I need to do to be in recovery. So for today I know I need to wear loose clothes so as to limit Ed's weaponry against me ... and I need to make a concerted effort to stay away from the mirror!!!