Purse Problems

Well, yesterday I bought my first ever purse. I'm a 37 year old woman, wife and mother. And this is truly my first purse. Its not by accident. I have never really felt "purse worthy". I have never felt feminine enough for accessories like that. Earrings and necklaces, bracelets and rings, scarves ... and purses. Things that belong to others ...but not to me. Oh, I HAVE many of these things. I see them, and fall in love with their fragile,feminine beauty but even though I have enough courage sometimes to buy them ,,, I rarely have enough to actually wear them. Ed laughs his head off when he sees me trying to accessorize as other women do. He laughs me right back into the bedroom to 'take the ridiculous things off' and pick up my backpack and wallet instead. Sometimes he'll let me get out of the house with a visor or a pair of sunglasses. But utilitarian ones, nothing fancy.

So yesterday I bought a purse, there was a very practical reason for it. I need it to keep my new cell phone safe ... it has a cute little pocket on the outside of it especially for my phone. (: But when I reached for it this afternoon to take it on our walk to the store I paused. Then instinctively (albeit with some nudging from Ed's mocking words) I put the purse down, retrieved the cell phone from it and placed it in the outside pocket of my backpack. A big pocket where the phone can rattle around and get jostled by the other things I throw in there. I went out for my walk around town with my black painting pants, my thread bare and sun damaged hoodie and my backpack. Just as you'd expect to find me. I felt like I faded right into the buildings that were surrounding me as I walked down the street. And for the moment that was what I believed I wanted to do. Certain that if people could see me they would turn away in disgust, or pity or amusement. I don't know how to be a woman. Ed has kept me in the dark about that. Kept me isolated from them and their hair/skin/wardrobe rituals. When I confessed to Garron all that Ed had been telling me today, he asked if I would please take my purse with me tomorrow. He told me I totally deserved to have a purse ... and so I'll try. As silly as it may seem to some, tomorrow will be a difficult day for me. But I'm hopeful it will end in even a small victory over Ed.