Lost, Again

This morning I woke up feeling 'lost' and worthless. I had to ask Garron to pray for me before he left for work. It was a good thing, too, that my sister Sara stopped in for a visit cause I don't think I would've gotten out of bed if she hadn't. One of those days when there are things to do but no energy to do them because Ed was hounding me with all kinds of negativeness. I had come off of a pretty succcesful weekend Ed-wise. (considering I was in the presence of over 800 ladies .. always a dangerous place as Ed loves to goad me into comparing myself with other women) But this morning Ed was replaying my weekend in my mind and I putting a dark and negative tone over all of it. How could I have gone out in public dressed the way I was dressed? How could I hold my head up in such a crowd of women who obviously pay great attention to how they look and what they wear? I started feeling so unworthy of having been in their presence. And embarrassed to have been seen like I was. On the Sunday of the conference I had tried to 'dress up' and make myself look presentable .. but I felt like a fraud. I felt awkward and clumsy. Ed taunted me a bit there but I had my sisters around me and found for the most part just being with them gave me the strength to close my ears to him. However, now that I'm home and no one else is around he is trying to make me regret going out. Right now I am sitting on the couch feeling fat and smelly and ugly. The rest of the family is downstairs watching a movie together but I just don't want to be there. I want to end my day but am afraid to get up and get changed into my sleepwear because I'll have to face my naked body. I want to have a shower but again, I would have to come out of 'hiding' to do that. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being me. Everytime I get a glimpse of hope and think, "hey, I'm not that bad afterall. This is totally do-able." Ed chimes in with all kinds of belittleing comments and derogatory remarks. I am tired of fighting him but know I cannot give up.