In reading over my last entry I realized it might seem like I'm saying I've never cried before. Or been messy. Not so. (oh my GOSH no) But I did NOT welcome it before. I beat myself up, condemned myself and felt shame over it. Now, accepting it and being grateful for it has changed the experience and the outcome so much.
I think the biggest part for me is trusting that God has designed this process ... that He is not disappointed in me for needing to go through it. That He is not disgusted with me for the mess I am in or the messy way I have to travel to get out of it.
There's a part in Hind's Feet On High Places that I has always moved me but that I have never really been able to accept as true for me: when Much Afraid is slogging it out on a particularly muddy section of mountain path. Even though its on the mountain it is flat, dark, wet and muddy. She doesn't feel like she's getting anywhere. She keeps falling and sliding backward. She mutters and despairs. I can't remember what her companions (Pain and Suffering I believe) are doing at that time ... but the Shepherd, Himself, comes to her. She fully expects to look up and see His disapproving face and hear him chide her for her messy state. Instead He is smiling and assures her that when He looks at her all He sees is the Much Afraid who has already reached the "High Places" and is healed and changed.
She's stunned. And quite frankly so am I. Somehow I could accept it for her. But only long for it for myself. Certain it couldn't possibly be true for me. This week I have been trying to live as if it is. Trying to trust that it is.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Messy but Moving
Something 'B' said in my last session has been resonating with me all week long. I have been yeilding to it and I think I am learning something very important.
She said "this is going to be messy".
That may not seem profound to you, but for me it WAS.
I started thinking back through my life ... and realized that I never like to 'be messy'. I like to do things right ... the first time! I want my 'teachers' to be proud of me. I want to really 'get it' without extra explanation.
In high school I distinctly remember loathing the prework required for essay writing. I didn't want to have to brainstorm and then summarize and then write one, two or even three drafts before handing in a final paper. I thought I should be able to write something intelligent and even profound without it. That if I didn't I was showing that I was somehow inferior, weak, unacceptable ... stupid. All that draft work was 'messy'. I wanted only to deal with the neatly typed 'final product'.
And I have been tackling THIS journey the same way. I want 'B' to give me the formula and then I want to go home and be able to write the final paper ... no drafts or 'rough work'.
I needed 'B' to give me permission to be messy. Actually, I needed more than permission. I needed to be told that's how it IS. You don't really have a choice, Amy. This is going to be messy. And that's ok. You are going to be messy. And that, too is ok.
Well, I've certainly been messy this week. I have broken down at least three times. Once in front of my kids. I have been trying desperately to shield them from what I am going through. And to some extent I think that is necessary ... children should not have to carry the burdens of their adult parents. But what I didn't realize was that they already were carrying a burden ... but I was making it worse by not telling them why I was so grumpy and frustrated at them, or why I was lying on the couch so much instead of playing games with or reading to them. Journey had been after me every night asking to do 'something specail' (like a sleep over or a 'girl bath' or watch a little movie) and every night I had said I couldn't. By that time in the day I am done. OVER done. And this time when I said no she said with tears falling down her cheeks, "when you say no to me so much it feels like you hate me with all of your heart". The mess that happened after that was ... beautiful. I crumpled into a pile of tears and Garron came and we had a wonderful time of explanation and prayer. All four of us. Garron talking and crying and praying, me crying and assuring the kids of my love for them, Journey listening and understanding, Solomon listening and caressing my arm in concern. It felt awful and wonderful all at the same time.
The next night during a movie I had to ask Garron to hold me - to physically keep me from responding to Ed's invitation to eat even though I was not hungry. Ed was so strong, but Garron was stronger. And I was able to tell Garron a whole slew of lies that Ed was throwing at me ... I sobbed at the shame of them. But again, I was able to look back and see the mess in a new light. Because I let myself cry and admit to the junk going on in my head I was able to live in recovery that night. I did not obey Ed. I trusted that the mess would be worth it. And it was.
The NEXT night I crashed again. Ed's voice is strongest in the evening. When I know Garron needs to head to bed and I will be left alone. Even though it was late and Ed was telling me I was a terrible wife for keeping Garron up, I fought to voice my fears and compulsions. The pressure I put on myself to take this journey without having it actually 'affect' my daily life is enormous. I think I should be able to carry on with everything as normal. Tend to the house, the meals, the clothes, the neighbors, the errands, the KIDS ... I feel like I am so terrible for having these issues because it is an inconvenience to everyone around me. Especially my husband and kids. Garron punched Ed in the face on that one. And I don't mind saying ... it was a messy business.
In the middle of it the thought hit me "I'm crying a lot these days. I'm crying and yet I'm winning against Ed at the same time. Being messy and yet finding that within the mess lies the key to recovery. I am not denying or repressing the voices in my head, the fears in my heart, the sensations in my body. I am allowing them to come ... no matter how ugly ... and I am finding in that the strength to disobey Ed. One disclaimer - if I were alone I don't think these crashes would be nearly so effective. But with Garron there holding me, keeping me physically on the bed or on the couch so I couldn't just run to the fridge, and praying over me and speaking truth against the lies ... it is do-able. Not pretty or neat .. but do-able.
She said "this is going to be messy".
That may not seem profound to you, but for me it WAS.
I started thinking back through my life ... and realized that I never like to 'be messy'. I like to do things right ... the first time! I want my 'teachers' to be proud of me. I want to really 'get it' without extra explanation.
In high school I distinctly remember loathing the prework required for essay writing. I didn't want to have to brainstorm and then summarize and then write one, two or even three drafts before handing in a final paper. I thought I should be able to write something intelligent and even profound without it. That if I didn't I was showing that I was somehow inferior, weak, unacceptable ... stupid. All that draft work was 'messy'. I wanted only to deal with the neatly typed 'final product'.
And I have been tackling THIS journey the same way. I want 'B' to give me the formula and then I want to go home and be able to write the final paper ... no drafts or 'rough work'.
I needed 'B' to give me permission to be messy. Actually, I needed more than permission. I needed to be told that's how it IS. You don't really have a choice, Amy. This is going to be messy. And that's ok. You are going to be messy. And that, too is ok.
Well, I've certainly been messy this week. I have broken down at least three times. Once in front of my kids. I have been trying desperately to shield them from what I am going through. And to some extent I think that is necessary ... children should not have to carry the burdens of their adult parents. But what I didn't realize was that they already were carrying a burden ... but I was making it worse by not telling them why I was so grumpy and frustrated at them, or why I was lying on the couch so much instead of playing games with or reading to them. Journey had been after me every night asking to do 'something specail' (like a sleep over or a 'girl bath' or watch a little movie) and every night I had said I couldn't. By that time in the day I am done. OVER done. And this time when I said no she said with tears falling down her cheeks, "when you say no to me so much it feels like you hate me with all of your heart". The mess that happened after that was ... beautiful. I crumpled into a pile of tears and Garron came and we had a wonderful time of explanation and prayer. All four of us. Garron talking and crying and praying, me crying and assuring the kids of my love for them, Journey listening and understanding, Solomon listening and caressing my arm in concern. It felt awful and wonderful all at the same time.
The next night during a movie I had to ask Garron to hold me - to physically keep me from responding to Ed's invitation to eat even though I was not hungry. Ed was so strong, but Garron was stronger. And I was able to tell Garron a whole slew of lies that Ed was throwing at me ... I sobbed at the shame of them. But again, I was able to look back and see the mess in a new light. Because I let myself cry and admit to the junk going on in my head I was able to live in recovery that night. I did not obey Ed. I trusted that the mess would be worth it. And it was.
The NEXT night I crashed again. Ed's voice is strongest in the evening. When I know Garron needs to head to bed and I will be left alone. Even though it was late and Ed was telling me I was a terrible wife for keeping Garron up, I fought to voice my fears and compulsions. The pressure I put on myself to take this journey without having it actually 'affect' my daily life is enormous. I think I should be able to carry on with everything as normal. Tend to the house, the meals, the clothes, the neighbors, the errands, the KIDS ... I feel like I am so terrible for having these issues because it is an inconvenience to everyone around me. Especially my husband and kids. Garron punched Ed in the face on that one. And I don't mind saying ... it was a messy business.
In the middle of it the thought hit me "I'm crying a lot these days. I'm crying and yet I'm winning against Ed at the same time. Being messy and yet finding that within the mess lies the key to recovery. I am not denying or repressing the voices in my head, the fears in my heart, the sensations in my body. I am allowing them to come ... no matter how ugly ... and I am finding in that the strength to disobey Ed. One disclaimer - if I were alone I don't think these crashes would be nearly so effective. But with Garron there holding me, keeping me physically on the bed or on the couch so I couldn't just run to the fridge, and praying over me and speaking truth against the lies ... it is do-able. Not pretty or neat .. but do-able.
I Think its getting Darker
In the Wizard of Oz the Scarecrow tells his friends that although he's not sure (after all he doesn't have a brain) he "thinks it has to get darker before it gets lighter".
That is where I seem to be right now. I thought things were pretty dark when, out of desperation, I started this journey toward freedom. Its much, much darker now. This past week has been one of persistent suicidal thoughts and unending tears. Before anyone panics I want to assure you that I have told 'B' and Garron and most of my family about all of this and have promised 'B' and my doctor that I will not follow through on the urge to end my life. We have altered my meds hoping that will be enough to get me past this crisis. I will be checking in with my doctor and 'B' once a week for the next month to be sure I don't slip through the cracks.
Going into my last session I was certain I didn't actually HAVE an eating disorder ... but that I was just lazy and undisciplined and stubborn. I want what I want and I don't want anyone to tell me I can't have it. I know what to do to be physically healthy and yet I JUST DON"T DO IT!! There's no Ed! Its just ME trying to find some other excuse for my pathetic life. I was ready to call it quits. Everything ... counselling, health, even life. It was all I could do to make it to my session that day without driving the car off the road or into oncoming traffic.
'B' read the official diagnosis/definition out of some big red book to prove to me that what I was thinking was NOT true. That it was another tactic of Ed to get me to let him stay. To convince me that he is not the problem ... I am. To convince me if I wanted to be free of the problem I'd have to be free of myself. 'B' told me that a cancer patient couldn't be cured of cancer if SHE WAS CANCER. That no one is born AS cancer. It is a physical 'disorder' that comes in. In the same way my eating disorder is not a part of me. I wasn't born with it. It is not just a personality flaw. It is a disordered way of thinking and seeing and feeling that CAME IN after a crisis in my childhood. I get confused and find it hard to see the distinction because I have had it for most of my life. I don't really remember life without it. 'B' said something that caught me ... she said I have probably never really known 'life' as a woman because Ed (captivity, shame, condemnation etc) has been with me since I was so young. I struggle to move toward freedom because I've never known it. I don't trust it yet.
It is so dark right now. But I left that meeting with a sliver of hope. Still not convinced of all 'B' said. But hopeful that if given time she could convince me.
That is where I seem to be right now. I thought things were pretty dark when, out of desperation, I started this journey toward freedom. Its much, much darker now. This past week has been one of persistent suicidal thoughts and unending tears. Before anyone panics I want to assure you that I have told 'B' and Garron and most of my family about all of this and have promised 'B' and my doctor that I will not follow through on the urge to end my life. We have altered my meds hoping that will be enough to get me past this crisis. I will be checking in with my doctor and 'B' once a week for the next month to be sure I don't slip through the cracks.
Going into my last session I was certain I didn't actually HAVE an eating disorder ... but that I was just lazy and undisciplined and stubborn. I want what I want and I don't want anyone to tell me I can't have it. I know what to do to be physically healthy and yet I JUST DON"T DO IT!! There's no Ed! Its just ME trying to find some other excuse for my pathetic life. I was ready to call it quits. Everything ... counselling, health, even life. It was all I could do to make it to my session that day without driving the car off the road or into oncoming traffic.
'B' read the official diagnosis/definition out of some big red book to prove to me that what I was thinking was NOT true. That it was another tactic of Ed to get me to let him stay. To convince me that he is not the problem ... I am. To convince me if I wanted to be free of the problem I'd have to be free of myself. 'B' told me that a cancer patient couldn't be cured of cancer if SHE WAS CANCER. That no one is born AS cancer. It is a physical 'disorder' that comes in. In the same way my eating disorder is not a part of me. I wasn't born with it. It is not just a personality flaw. It is a disordered way of thinking and seeing and feeling that CAME IN after a crisis in my childhood. I get confused and find it hard to see the distinction because I have had it for most of my life. I don't really remember life without it. 'B' said something that caught me ... she said I have probably never really known 'life' as a woman because Ed (captivity, shame, condemnation etc) has been with me since I was so young. I struggle to move toward freedom because I've never known it. I don't trust it yet.
It is so dark right now. But I left that meeting with a sliver of hope. Still not convinced of all 'B' said. But hopeful that if given time she could convince me.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Not Quite as Much as I Thought
I managed to weigh myself yesterday ... still 180. So camp wasn't so terrible for me as I imagined. Maybe getting sleep helped keep the pounds off. Ok, so if I'm in recovery (or supposed to be) I shouldn't be obsessing about my weight anyway ... but cleary I haven't grasped the whole recovery thing yet.
And how can I stay on track (taking proper care of my body) when I HATE it so much?!
I sabotage my recovery SO often and it seems the underlying voices that push me to that are telling me my body is not worth taking care of. It has betrayed me and is evil ... so why would I take CARE of it?! I don't seem to be able to convince myself that those voices are lying. "B" would tell me that any condemning voices are not from God as Romans clearly states "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ". Ok, but what about the fact that I'm sinning when I over eat, and when I trust Ed's voice over God's ... ? What do I DO with that?
And how can I stay on track (taking proper care of my body) when I HATE it so much?!
I sabotage my recovery SO often and it seems the underlying voices that push me to that are telling me my body is not worth taking care of. It has betrayed me and is evil ... so why would I take CARE of it?! I don't seem to be able to convince myself that those voices are lying. "B" would tell me that any condemning voices are not from God as Romans clearly states "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ". Ok, but what about the fact that I'm sinning when I over eat, and when I trust Ed's voice over God's ... ? What do I DO with that?
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Two Weeks ... another 10 lbs?
Well, I recently returned from two restful weeks out at River's Edge Family Camp. Hence, my lack of posting. The first week I was so tired and run down that I slept every chance I got. I basically woke up to eat and watch the kids at their activities. After supper we went straight back to bed. It was glorious. I didn't have to think about meals or food or cleaning our chaotic and dust-filled house... I just slept. I didn't even need my sleeping pills. I fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep! Now, the only problem with spending two weeks at camp is that you get fed LOTS and aren't required to DO anything physical. Though I had a bit more energy my second week out there ... it poured rain everyday and I didn't feel like walking in it. I stayed indoors doing puzzles, etc. But of course, I kept eating all the good food they served. So I think (I'll have to prove it later today when I find a scale) but I think I've gained another 10 lbs or so. I caught sight of myself the other night and noticed a lot more of me around my torso than has ever been there before. I was disgusted by it. The flab, the rolls, ... I feel gross.
I am slipping into despair. I don't believe it will ever change for me. On one hand I know I'm not living in recovery yet (moderate eating, moderate movement) ... but it seems to me that if I manage to get a handle on one of those things the other just goes crazy. And more to the point is I don't really seem to be able to ever get a handle on EITHER. I consistently over eat and am too tired to work it off. I try to stop over eating and can make it for a few hours (how pathetic ... a few HOURS!) ... but then something 'clicks' in my head and I binge.
Out at camp I mostly didn't feel anything - walked around numb. Ate, slept, ate, slept. But I was so tired I couldn't face 'dealing' with anything. I just needed REST. But now, after resting I am bigger than before and deeper in despair. Great.
Oh, and I'm back at home - surrounded by perpetual noise, dust, demolition, and chaos.
I listen to praise music in an effort to refocus my heart and mind. I feel like I'm slipping away. (or want to)
I don't want to complain. I know the last two weeks were an incredible blessing. A gift from God. I am deeply grateful that I got to be out there and be cared for. I don't know how to bring that into today ... to use it to help get me through NOW.
I am slipping into despair. I don't believe it will ever change for me. On one hand I know I'm not living in recovery yet (moderate eating, moderate movement) ... but it seems to me that if I manage to get a handle on one of those things the other just goes crazy. And more to the point is I don't really seem to be able to ever get a handle on EITHER. I consistently over eat and am too tired to work it off. I try to stop over eating and can make it for a few hours (how pathetic ... a few HOURS!) ... but then something 'clicks' in my head and I binge.
Out at camp I mostly didn't feel anything - walked around numb. Ate, slept, ate, slept. But I was so tired I couldn't face 'dealing' with anything. I just needed REST. But now, after resting I am bigger than before and deeper in despair. Great.
Oh, and I'm back at home - surrounded by perpetual noise, dust, demolition, and chaos.
I listen to praise music in an effort to refocus my heart and mind. I feel like I'm slipping away. (or want to)
I don't want to complain. I know the last two weeks were an incredible blessing. A gift from God. I am deeply grateful that I got to be out there and be cared for. I don't know how to bring that into today ... to use it to help get me through NOW.
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