Drug Headache and Defeat

Today I was smothered in a cloak of fatigue and an acute 'drug headache'. On Monday I had run out of one of the drugs I'm supposed to take to augment my anti-depressants ... I was too busy and fatigued to get myself to the drugstore to renew my prescription. Also I was hoping to be able to just drop that particular pill as it has a few unpleasant side-affects. However, the headache that plagued me today as a result of stopping the drug so abruptly was intrusive enough to convince me to refill my meds and get back on track. I also wasn't doing so well emotionally or mentally (aside from the headache) so I guess maybe I'll just have to suffer with the side-affects a little longer.

My poor children. I only got out of bed at meal times today to make them a little something to eat. The rest of the time I just stayed in bed. Not a stellar 'mothering' day, I'm afraid.

I have such a hard time not beating myself up over days like this. Ed pounces right in there with all his 'helpful criticism' too. I feel very defeated. Not at all like one who is standing up under the armor and protection of God - my covenant partner.

Lost, Again

This morning I woke up feeling 'lost' and worthless. I had to ask Garron to pray for me before he left for work. It was a good thing, too, that my sister Sara stopped in for a visit cause I don't think I would've gotten out of bed if she hadn't. One of those days when there are things to do but no energy to do them because Ed was hounding me with all kinds of negativeness. I had come off of a pretty succcesful weekend Ed-wise. (considering I was in the presence of over 800 ladies .. always a dangerous place as Ed loves to goad me into comparing myself with other women) But this morning Ed was replaying my weekend in my mind and I putting a dark and negative tone over all of it. How could I have gone out in public dressed the way I was dressed? How could I hold my head up in such a crowd of women who obviously pay great attention to how they look and what they wear? I started feeling so unworthy of having been in their presence. And embarrassed to have been seen like I was. On the Sunday of the conference I had tried to 'dress up' and make myself look presentable .. but I felt like a fraud. I felt awkward and clumsy. Ed taunted me a bit there but I had my sisters around me and found for the most part just being with them gave me the strength to close my ears to him. However, now that I'm home and no one else is around he is trying to make me regret going out. Right now I am sitting on the couch feeling fat and smelly and ugly. The rest of the family is downstairs watching a movie together but I just don't want to be there. I want to end my day but am afraid to get up and get changed into my sleepwear because I'll have to face my naked body. I want to have a shower but again, I would have to come out of 'hiding' to do that. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being me. Everytime I get a glimpse of hope and think, "hey, I'm not that bad afterall. This is totally do-able." Ed chimes in with all kinds of belittleing comments and derogatory remarks. I am tired of fighting him but know I cannot give up.

Learning to Stand

I am beginning to use my armor! The armor of God that was given to me when I entered into covenant with Him. Its kind of amazing, the difference, when you apply even one or two pieces. This week has been one where I have been tempted again and again to withdraw into numbness(via bingeing etc) and isolation and disassociation. So much going on and a lot of emotions to deal with.

I am a highly sensitive person which, in part, means I am acutely aware of what others are feeling and have the ability to feel much of what they are feeling too. I am learning to accept this as a gift, one that forces me to my knees and insists I rely on God to not only handle 'their' situations but also sustain me through the extra burdens of feeling their pain. (does that make sense?)

Anyway, I have been putting on the belt of truth and the shield of faith daily this week and have found that even in the face of great temptation; I am able to 'stand'. And from my learning in the covenant bible study I have found a security in believing that with God as my partner that's all I really need to do ... stand ... and let Him fight the battles for me. Wear His armor and trust Him to take care of the rest. And even though it requires a lot of 'willing submission' on my part ... to trust this process, to trust my covenant partner ... it is proving to be a mighty, mighty combination.

Purse-uing Health

Well, I did it. I took my purse to ladies time today. And I used it at the bank when I went to withdraw money from the teller. I placed it right up on the teller's desk and tried to make it all seem quite natural. If people knew what was going on in my head, most of the time they would think I was nuts. But I know I'm not nuts ... just broken. And slowly God is transforming my broken-ness into beauty.

In study today we learned about the story of Jonathan's son Mephibosheth. Mephibosheth's father and grandfather (the king) had just been killed and because he was next in line for the throne his caretakers feared for his life. His nanny picked him up and ran away with him. As she ran in fear she fell and crippled the young boy. This changed the course of his life forever. He lived in Lo Debar -- a land that was barren and could produce no fruit. An outcast. I can't describe the whole story and all the little intricate details that stood out to me today ... but I was seeing myself so clearly in the character of Mephibosheth. Crippled as a youngster because I ran in fear - trying to protect myself. Completely unaware of my covenant partner (and I WAS in covenant with the Lord way back then). But I didn't understand the depth and meaning of all that came with that 'covenant'.

I am beginning to learn of it now. And it makes me weep in awe of what I have been given in this covenant and how faithful God is to this binding agreement. Even when I am not faithful, HE IS FAITHFUL. There are always consequences of my faithlessness. But God is true to his word and gracious to me in my weakness.

Purse Problems

Well, yesterday I bought my first ever purse. I'm a 37 year old woman, wife and mother. And this is truly my first purse. Its not by accident. I have never really felt "purse worthy". I have never felt feminine enough for accessories like that. Earrings and necklaces, bracelets and rings, scarves ... and purses. Things that belong to others ...but not to me. Oh, I HAVE many of these things. I see them, and fall in love with their fragile,feminine beauty but even though I have enough courage sometimes to buy them ,,, I rarely have enough to actually wear them. Ed laughs his head off when he sees me trying to accessorize as other women do. He laughs me right back into the bedroom to 'take the ridiculous things off' and pick up my backpack and wallet instead. Sometimes he'll let me get out of the house with a visor or a pair of sunglasses. But utilitarian ones, nothing fancy.

So yesterday I bought a purse, there was a very practical reason for it. I need it to keep my new cell phone safe ... it has a cute little pocket on the outside of it especially for my phone. (: But when I reached for it this afternoon to take it on our walk to the store I paused. Then instinctively (albeit with some nudging from Ed's mocking words) I put the purse down, retrieved the cell phone from it and placed it in the outside pocket of my backpack. A big pocket where the phone can rattle around and get jostled by the other things I throw in there. I went out for my walk around town with my black painting pants, my thread bare and sun damaged hoodie and my backpack. Just as you'd expect to find me. I felt like I faded right into the buildings that were surrounding me as I walked down the street. And for the moment that was what I believed I wanted to do. Certain that if people could see me they would turn away in disgust, or pity or amusement. I don't know how to be a woman. Ed has kept me in the dark about that. Kept me isolated from them and their hair/skin/wardrobe rituals. When I confessed to Garron all that Ed had been telling me today, he asked if I would please take my purse with me tomorrow. He told me I totally deserved to have a purse ... and so I'll try. As silly as it may seem to some, tomorrow will be a difficult day for me. But I'm hopeful it will end in even a small victory over Ed.

Slipping

Well, I'm still on the wall ... but I'm definitely slipping. I'm carrying some extra burdens in my heart right now and they are pushing me down. I am trying to fight, to shake them off but ... I feel very alone right now and weak.

Half Way Up the Wall

Something happened this week that made me think "maybe it would be best if I quit counselling. At least for awhile." But when I talked to B about it she said that I'm halfway up the wall (using a wall climbing analogy for recovery), and that if I stopped counselling now it would mean coming down off the wall and having to climb it all over again in the future. What a waste of energy, time and money. So, I guess I've got to finish what I started. I've got to see it through. God's gonna have to work some financial miracles ... but I trust He will. He was the one that convinced me it was time to do this in the first place.

So Tired

It was a beautiful day today. Blue skies, fall colors, a warm sun shining ... I should have been taking advantage of it. But instead I found myself sleeping. Sleeping on the couch in the morning as I tried to accomplish some laundry (does one load count as 'accomplishing'?) And then in the afternoon I moved to my bed where I slept again as Sol played on or around me before finally falling asleep himself.
Now I have a kitchen full of dishes and a husband on his way home from work and nothing out for supper.

This week I have been so fatigued. I'm tired of being tired. I'm weary of waking unrefreshed. I'm not sure I even remember what having energy feels like. My mom has babysat for me everyday this week ... and it was absolutely necessary! I wouldn't have made it through the days without her. When she took Sol I SLEPT. I know its hard to believe, and maybe some people are starting to think I'm just lazy ... but I have to keep reminding myself that B says walking this road to recovery is akin to dealing with the injuries I would have suffered if in a severe car accident. Sometimes I wish I HAD been in an accident so that it would be obvious to those around me why I am struggling so much or feeling so tired or weak or shaken. I feel I have to continually justify my need to pull back from visiting, or guard my down time or limit my involvement in things. I don't WANT to be in this place. But I AM. And I am doing all I can to move forward. This post is more to remind myself than any of you of anything. I feel Ed trying to bury me in guilt and shame. I can't let him do it.

Coincidence?

Way back in May when I started this particular journey, B told me it was gonna be very important to put on the armor of God. I agreed and purposed to get right on that when I got back from my session. However, as life would have it, I forgot, and delayed and found that MONTHS had gone by without really digging in and tackling that subject. I have known OF the armor of God my whole life ... but I realized this summer that I am not really all that familiar with it. I couldn't even recite the various pieces let alone how to use them in spiritual battle. Two weeks ago I told B that I had finally looked up the passage about the armor in the Bible, had drawn a picture of it, and was going to challenge myself to memorize the passage. Again, as life would have it, (or maybe its ED ... or satan ...) I delayed and forgot again. But on Tuesday morning this week I was sitting in Ladies' Time at church and God gently but firmly nudged me to stop putting off what He was asking me to do. The study we are working through is Kay Arthur's "Covenant". And apparently last week's homework was all about the armor of God!! Of course I hadn't done the homework, I hadn't even bought the homework book. But I think it would be a good idea if I did as it would dovetail so nicely with what I'm supposed to be doing in counselling. I should know by now that with God, there is no such things as 'coincidence'.