Recently I have discovered something about myself. I used to think (I was totally convinced of it!) that Garron and I enjoyed sleeping on opposite sides of the bed ... that we really didn't like to snuggle or be touching while trying to sleep. But through my latest sessions with B I have discovered that this was a lie of Ed to keep me isolated at my most vulnerable time. I have been asking Garron to put his arm around me as we fall asleep and I can often drift off now without needing to do crosswords or respond when Ed hounds me to get out of bed and go stuff myself with food.
I'm amazed that Ed could convince me of this: he did it by saying stuff like: "Garron has had a busy day and needs to be left alone now." "You are a high maintenance wife and he needs to have some time when you are not around". "Stay on your side and let him sleep." "He has to get up early. And you don't really like snuggling anyway, you find it uncomfortable cuz you cant spread out as much."
Always then I would have difficulty falling asleep. I would hear Ed calling me to the kitchen and to food. I would hear him systematically tear down all that I'd tried to do that day. And since I was alone and felt I couldn't (shouldn't) ask Garron to help me since it was late I would give in to Ed in order to silence him and finally fall asleep.
I am getting so much more sleep now. I still have to do crosswords or sudoku some times but not nearly as much and if Garron is touching me (just touching me) I can ignore Ed's invitation (or order) to eat.
Who would've guessed?!
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Isn't God amazing? Garron and through him God - are putting their arms around you to give you that grace and serenity at night which fights off Ed and allows the sleep to provide you the strength to tell Ed to back off during the day. How cool is that?
ReplyDeleteI'm so encouraged by these discoveries you're making. Keep going. Being a high maintenance wife myself, I know get where you're coming from with that, but we need to remind ourselves that our husbands actually like us, and they actually like the people we are, not just just the better version of ourselves we could be. While you might be high maintenance in some areas, you're pretty awesome in plenty of others. I also remind myself of how I help my husband store up his treasure where it needs to be, if I was the kind of wife I wish I was, Stephen wouldn't have nearly as many rewards in heaven : )
ReplyDeletePraying for total victory.