How Could This Have Happened?

Recently I have discovered something about myself. I used to think (I was totally convinced of it!) that Garron and I enjoyed sleeping on opposite sides of the bed ... that we really didn't like to snuggle or be touching while trying to sleep. But through my latest sessions with B I have discovered that this was a lie of Ed to keep me isolated at my most vulnerable time. I have been asking Garron to put his arm around me as we fall asleep and I can often drift off now without needing to do crosswords or respond when Ed hounds me to get out of bed and go stuff myself with food.

I'm amazed that Ed could convince me of this: he did it by saying stuff like: "Garron has had a busy day and needs to be left alone now." "You are a high maintenance wife and he needs to have some time when you are not around". "Stay on your side and let him sleep." "He has to get up early. And you don't really like snuggling anyway, you find it uncomfortable cuz you cant spread out as much."

Always then I would have difficulty falling asleep. I would hear Ed calling me to the kitchen and to food. I would hear him systematically tear down all that I'd tried to do that day. And since I was alone and felt I couldn't (shouldn't) ask Garron to help me since it was late I would give in to Ed in order to silence him and finally fall asleep.

I am getting so much more sleep now. I still have to do crosswords or sudoku some times but not nearly as much and if Garron is touching me (just touching me) I can ignore Ed's invitation (or order) to eat.

Who would've guessed?!

heart sick

I came to realize last night that I am heart sick about what is happening at our church and what it will mean for our future there. I am already grieving the loss of fellowship and connection. Ed tried to get me to numb myself with food so I wouldn't have to feel this pain ... and I desperately wanted not to feel. But I chose to embrace the hurt and let the tears come. They would eventually find their way out and so I decided to skip the shaming step of binging in between. In the book Hinds Feet the shepherd chose two companions to accompany Much Araid on her journey to the high places. They were Sorrow and Suffering. I am coming to see that He has chosen those same companions for me. Though it hurts to hold their hands, I need them if I am to reach the high places and be forever changed from Much Araid into Grace and Glory.

Long Time

Its been so long since I last posted ... there's too much to fill you in on. So I'll just start with where I'm at today.

I feel like I'm drifting - drifting through my days without a direction or purpose or any energy to change that.

Last night I had to call Garron while I was making supper cuz Ed was telling me to just go numb myself with some comfort food instead of waiting for the more healthy and balanced meal I was even then preparing. A lot of outside stressors have entered my life in the past two weeks. Our new international student arrived for one. That is always very stressful for me as I want to make them feel comfortable and 'at home' here. (but feel totally helpless and incapable of doing) Also, the state of our 'under renovations' home has me feeling awkward and unworthy of having anyone stay with us. Specially someone who clearly comes from 'money' and would otherwise never find themselves in such a humble state.

Another big stress is a confusing and concerning situation at church. One that has us wondering if we should be staying there. My spirit is heavy and questioning. I had felt a certain stability growing for our family at this church but this situation has definitely thrown us into a sea of doubt again.

Ed is so skilled at turning all these things into reasons to hate myself. Reasons to throw out 'recovery' and indulge in numbing and detachment practises.

I'm trying to stay on track. But I could really use some prayer right now.