Facing the Beast

*sigh* In today's session with B I had to confess that although I was trying very hard to live in recovery I was sensing the 'monster' inside me welling up. I don't know exactly how to describe it but it seems more sinister than Ed. Maybe that's just cause Ed often tries to convince me he's out for my good ... where as this 'monster' doesn't try to hide his intentions. He wants to destroy me. I have known of him for a long time -- and have fought to keep him down. But these past couple of weeks he has been rearing his ugly head and threatening to engulf me.

Maybe he is the real Ed, no disguises. The masks are off and I see for an instant what Ed really is ... a monster. Not the friend he claims to be. Not an objective observer. But a monster. When I feel him I get a picture in my mind very much like that of the monster in the mountains on Lord of the Rings. The one that almost destroys Gandalf. I want to have Gandalf's staff and shout to it "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" ... but I find my voice is feeble against it. Or rather it HAS been feeble. B has challenged me to get rather violent in my speech when addressing this creature. She says he has no business in my life and I have every right to throw him out. I am going to need lots of prayer for this.

This monster is the embodiment of a belief I have carried deep in my heart for as long as I have concious memory. It is the belief that my body is disgusting and hideous. That the only right thing to do is to hate it. And not just my body, but all of me. My entire physical makeup is repulsive to me and, I assume, to everyone else. I think probably this came from the sexual abuse I endured as a child, teen, and young adult. But I don't know how to get rid of it. I have tried for years to convince myself its not true but always in the back of my mind a voice is hissing "You know it IS. You may fool some of 'them' but you'll never fool me and so you'll never be able to fully fool yourself."

So, I am asking for concerted prayer in regards to this for the next while as I tackle this monster belief head on. I don't feel ready for this battle but I know its one I can't shy away from any longer.

B says she is excited because 'body image' is kind of like 'the last stand' for Ed. I have gained much victory in the area of food and weight and he knows he cannot trip me up with those types of temptations and attacks as he once could. Now he is focusing all his energy on body image and if I can beat him on this front he will have no more ground to stand on. As I typed that sentence I got a cool little chill of excitement and wonder ... I can't even imagine what life without Ed would be like. Honestly its a bit scary. But I know its better than what I'm living now and I WANT it!