Oscar (the grouch)
A retired dressage/hunter-jumper. Beautiful to ride.

therapy

This is my Sopraisa, my therapy partner.
She is soooo shy and sensitive. Very difficult to catch ... but once Garron gets her on a lead line she's really quite a sweetie. I have begun grooming her some of the times that I'm up there ... she is starting to appreciate it more. At first even grooming was too much for her.

ugh

This week has been so weary-ing. On the New Year's weekend our family moved my neighbor from her 5 bedroom house to a tiny trailer. I have yet to recover physically from that! I have struggled to get out of bed and get moving in the mornings. I am totally fatigued. (Which doesn't help me fight against E.D.)

But I've done pretty well. I think it helps that I haven't gone grocery shopping in awhile and have run out of quick fixes (like cereal and toast). If I want to eat something this week I have to COOK it. And that's just not me. So, I've had less trouble with those late night invitations from E.D. to raid the fridge. (:
Thank God for small mercies!

Today we had an appointment in Calgary with a psychologist ... trying to find answers as to why our daughter behaves the way she does (tantrums, fear, insomnia, social awkwardness, hyper sense of sound, light, touch and taste.... the list goes on and on. I am at my wits end trying to deal with her and am looking for some sort of diagnosis so I can start moving in a helpful direction. Right now, this stress is probably my main threat to recovery. It takes so much energy to handle what Journey throws at me that I have little to nothing left over for my own care or that of the rest of my family. Garron and I will meet with the psychologist again next week (this time without Journey) and hopefully after that session we will be able to convince him that we need her assessed for Autism Spectrum disorders.

Those of you who know my Journey may be wondering what I'm talking about as she seems quite normal to you...yes, that is one of my primary points of confusion too.
She is a totally different person at home or alone with us than she is out in public. She spends all her energy trying to appear 'normal' when at school or out in public and just EXPLODES when she gets home to her 'safe place'. I could really use your prayers. For wisdom, insight, patience, strength, consistency, diligence, and answers!!! And if that isn't enough you can also pray that I find the right combination of doctors, psychologists, mental health professionals etc. I would very much like to find someone personable, gentle, straight foward, proactive, knowledgeable, and kind. "?" I know that with man this is impossible ... but with God, ALL things are possible!

I'm tired. think I'll try to sleep.

Baby Steps ... Again

Well, even though I said last night that I didn't feel I could go on ... I DID. When ED invited me to find comfort in food I wasn't hungry for last night I told him I didn't have to listen. Didn't want the food. Was going to keep fighting for freedom.

Instead of sneaking to the kitchen I snuggled into Garron and let his touch anchor me.

It is with great weariness that I write to you this morning. But also with great resolve. Thanks for praying.

What to do now?

So I know I'm supposed to get right back up and start again. But honestly I feel unable to go on. I know I can't quit, can't go back. Not after having come so far! But I'm tired. Genuinely exhausted. Even as I type this (knowing I'm going to ask you for help and encouragement) I am loathing myself for being so needy.

Humiliation Realized

Well, as it turned out my two months of living in recovery DID come to an end. This week I found myself numbing with food late at night to escape the stress I was facing in the day. I know the verse 'pride goes before a fall' and this week proved it. I had tried to let myself enjoy my success and I guess I let that lead to laziness as far as recovery goes. Figured I'd reached a certain 'level' of health where I could afford to ease up on my vigil against ED.

HAH. Now I have to admit to you that I've slipped and am feeling so low about that. I guess I knew this would happen, but I was so desperate to do this 'right' the first time that I made THAT my goal instead of true recovery. I wanted perfection, not process. Didn't I struggle with this at the beginning? Shouldn't I have learned this lesson yet? "Am I still so DULL?!"

Humiliation Feared

During my counselling session the week before Christmas B told me that I was doing so well in recovery that actually, if she were to assess me right then, I wouldn't fit the criteria of someone with an eating disorder. Not that I was totally healed and ready to be done with the process ... but solidly in recovery where IT is the norm instead of ED. In fact I had gone 2 months without any slips!

I was surprised and a little confused. I didn't know what to think. Or feel. When I told Garron about it later that evening I found myself crying. Amazed that it could be true ... for 23 years I had doubted there would ever be freedom from ED. And now B was telling me I was almost there.

A little ED voice crept in and started asking questions: "Could that really be true?", "How are you gonna keep this up when B's not there to help you?",
"Do you even know why you want to be free?", what if recovery for you doesn't provide the weight loss (body balancing) you desire?", "could you keep going if you stayed exactly the same as you are right now?", "What if you tell people and they think that this means you will be without any struggles any more?", "what if they start demanding things from you because they think you should be able to start up all the things you cut out of your life in order to have time and energy to heal?", "How humiliating will it be if I tell people how well I'm doing only to slip up again?" ... it went on and on.

I don't remember any voice asking positive things like: "what do you want to do with this new freedom?", "what can you implement in your life to ensure you stay on track?", "Don't you feel great about this success?", "how should you celebrate this mile-stone?"

I felt leery about telling too many people. I was nervous about writing it on here ... seeing it in black and white ... I don't know what I thought would happen ... but it wasn't good.

At my next session, two weeks later, B asked me why I hadn't been posting very much lately. I knew that a lot of it was because I've just been so physically and emotionally (and mentally) exhausted. Any time I thought of posting I was overwhelmed at the thought of having to analyze myself or my progress, or ANYthing.

I admitted this to B. But there was also a growing feeling inside myself that I was nearing a kind of waterfall in the journey. I could try to swim back upstream to avoid the drop or I could surrender to the water and let it take me over the edge to freedom. Scary. I knew that the end would probably be rough and may get quite messy as ED got more and more desperate to hold onto me. And I didn't feel I was up for the ride. Also, I wasn't sure I wanted to be done with the process because I don't feel I've attained what I am after. Not totally. I HAVE gotten rid of a lot of destructive behaviours and thoughts, but there are still some threads of 'entanglement' that are lurking somewhere deep inside...undiscovered yet. I sense them but I can't define them yet. And that scares me a bit.